week 25: thanksgiving

november

yeah.

so tonight i sat in a pew and a stool.

i prayed half-heartedly and drew, in much the same way that i ended up doing on the stool.

now if you have ever tried doing anything other than drinking at a bar, i recommend that you try.

try reading a book, or writing, or drawing, or do a crossword puzzle....

I guarantee that you will find no peace, these solitary activities are a magnet for interruption.

no, you want to be left alone in a bar... stare, stare intently into your drink and make no attempt to look elsewhere

thanksgiving

so every year around this time of year i get sick, and it had been since.

my father did something, perhaps the best thing that he ever did for me back in, '92, '93?

i was a freshman in higschool.

he decided to shoot himself in the head.


it taught me what it was to be left behind, without a note or a reason.

i nearly failed my freshman heath class because i scratched out, on the final,

suicide is a permanent solution to a:

a) gossip
b) sunburn
c) temporary problem

the answer was "c" but i wrote in dying of aids isnt really temporary is it

i was sent to the principal, freshman year and already singled out

now

through stories he told us kids during the car rides back and forth, he made it obvious (in hindsight), still as the disease took over, and later, i saw at fourteen, the extent of my fathers ailments, through his medical records, ironically the only things his family chose to return to his children.

(in those files i also found polaroid photos of his ex lover, nude... at 13-14 kinda earthshaking, i burned them all along with a letter, a letter that i would write for five years on the anniversary of his death... the night we got the new was the first night i tasted coffee, and laid down on a fairly busy road and willed a car to crush me, laughing at his demise all the way.)

sorry

in those medical records i saw why


and later as people who know him decided that i was old enough or that he was dead long enough began to fill in the cracks

and why became more apparent

and it scared me because i knew he wanted me to live with him

and i almost did

and i wonder if he would have taken me with him, he did show me the gun once, a tiny 9mm.

i think he might have

so why is this thanksgiving?

it was on some years his birthday

it was, after the divorce, his holiday, with his family

mom got easter
dad got thanksgiving

this year is hard

every one is,

i forget and then get sick and remember, oh yeah its november


and then i remember:

thanksgiving

week 24: clear

sorry that i missed this one, its been a "fun" week, a "fun" coupla weeks actually.

so clear, so fucking clear...

anyway

clarity.

ive been known to say that, after a night of drinking, at some point in the middle of it all, there is a moment...

a moment of "clarity"

and its both true and complete bullshit

i learned that phrase, learned that "moment of clarity" at twenty, and yes i was a late bloomer in as far as all that is concerned.

i have realized that the moment is really a thought that, for one reason or another, you arent able to accept sober, perhaps because its too painful, or because it leaves you lacking in you own eyes, and what you fear others will think about you.

at any rate the moment, the problem, the situation, is as real altered as it is sober and at least sober you have a chance of really dealing with the issue

week 23: smoke

smoke:

its thematic for me i guess, i tend to use it alot in my work. superheros have capes, terri moore has hair, i have smoke...

smoke:

its whats left over after somethings been used, been consumed. smoke and ash.

and i can relate to that in a very real way. i have mentioned perhaps that i have grown tired these past months, i have given so much of myself to others that i have said that ive felt like a worn t-shirt, and identify with cigarettes, used for a purpose and having fulfilled that, discarded.

i guess i feel like smoke sometimes too.

topic 26: accent

this is a kinda sorta good memory

this is the last fun night jen and i had. it was at this bar where she had too many screwdrivers and then salt and vinegar chips (and i did warn against that)

the thrill of the promise of great sex and all that good stuff, ruined by a bad mixture of consumed snacks and oj mixed with vodka, as it turned out that was the last night that we spent as a true couple.

now to explain the post without getting ito the whole thing, we has history from highschool and part of that was ren fairs/sca events.

that night, at the bar, we spoke with wild unabashed abandon stupid accents.

and despite the vomiting power outages and hair holding, it was a good night.

i dont think that ill ever forget that

week 22: wind

this is a constant problem for me, be it a lighter or even worse a match, the wind is always eager to blow out the flame.

and god help me if its the last match too...