fifty-two fridays

week 27: prepare

2012-01-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

i know, its been awhile.

ive been writing a book. i guess i know that im not going to be around forever and i guess this might be a good way to at least sustain an echo.

or at least say things that i lost my chance to say, i know that doesnt make any sense unless you have the right context, and you probably dont.

i will say this, if i had one wish it would be to listen to a specific song holding the hand of a specific person.

and if you think you know who either of those are you are probably wrong.

i might post some of the stuff im working on here.

2011-12-25T23:36:00.000-08:00

i know that i havent been so active lately here, its just that ive been rather uninspired and motivated to do much of anything.

but its christmas and i thought i would share with you the one christmas song that doesnt drive me bat shit crazy.

the pogues - fairytale of new york

It was Christmas Eve babe

In the drunk tank

An old man said to me, won't see another one

And then he sang a song

The Rare Old Mountain Dew

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one

Came in eighteen to one

I've got a feeling

This year's for me and you

So happy Christmas

I love you baby

I can see a better time

When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars

They've got rivers of gold

But the wind goes right through you

It's no place for the old

When you first took my hand

On a cold Christmas Eve

You promised me

Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome

You were pretty

Queen of New York City

When the band finished playing

They howled out for more

Sinatra was swinging,

All the drunks they were singing

We kissed on a corner

Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir

Were singing "Galway Bay"

And the bells were ringing out

For Christmas day

You're a bum

You're a punk

You're an old slut on junk

Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

You scumbag, you maggot

You cheap lousy faggot

Happy Christmas your arse

I pray God it's our last

I could have been someone

Well so could anyone

You took my dreams from me

When I first found you

I kept them with me babe

I put them with my own

Can't make it all alone

I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir

Were singing "Galway Bay"

And the bells were ringing out

For Christmas day

i recommend looking it up on youtube.

week 26: contraption

2011-10-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

rube goldberg

if/then

i wish i had some deeper message here, with contraption, something like, meh, whatever.

i guess ill go with cause and effect. and not affect, it wouldnt be the wort post ive made.

there may also be some vague evil dead reference here but im not all that sure i see it.

week 25: boundries

2011-09-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

this was something that i did around two years ago. it was back when i was working as an artist at a local newspaper, and one of my jobs was to design the weekend section, basically your leisure and arts that would have main feature that highlighted whatever was going on that week in the county. if i recall correctly that week there was a local high school that was doing a play set in the 20's.

no one of the issues that i had with the mentality of the editors is that that it was out-dated and inflexible, and for the time that i was there had nearly every idea that i had for getting more people interested in the dying institution that are news papers in this age of digital media were shot down, often quite rudely.

their idea was basically slap some photos of a few teens in old drama costumes rehearsing on half built stages and then run the story underneath.

it was, what would be come to be termed as "plug and play", "cookie cutter", or the "mimi special".

mimi being the editor of that section.

basically it was boring, uniform and not all that interesting. it didnt challenge people, it didnt push any boundaries, it was just... there.

to further illustrate my point, here is a typical example of what i have been talking about... note that this one was done last month.

so that week i decided to ignore the rough dummy i was handed and decided to design a page of my own (not too risky as i could make the page they had in mind in about five minutes assuming they were on the ball and had their story content in on time for once).

and this is what i got, basically what i wanted was the image above, no photos (i planned to put those in the jump) and flow text along the line of her form, creating a beautiful curving line of text that hugged her outline and providing the paper with something new, something different.

the idea was initially not well received.

i was told by our managing editor that it it was basically crap, and that it wouldnt work because there werent any photos.

luckily i had a supervisor who knew what he was doing and managed to find a compromise that let the spirit of the layout survive at least in part, we shoehorned head shots of the cast under the headline and messed with text size to make everything fit and it went to press.

the result:

anyway we made it work, it looked good and...

and not another word was said about it.

i think it was right around then that i knew that i was wasting my time and energy there.

week 24: mysterious

2011-09-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

ah finally a post that does not involve me moping about my lack of a love life, could it be?

the answer, is yes.

ive been back "home" for the last several years now, and that means that i no longer have access to things like walking to where i want to go in less than 15 minutes and affordable public transportation.

which means i need to drive or be driven.

it amazing to me how bad people drive in general.

ive had people cut me off on a freeway going 85+ miles per hour with car seats in the back of their shitty 2 door beaters to beat me to an off ramp, nearly hitting me and fish tailing when they over corrected.

ive had people whip around corners in parking lots against a stop sign, and scream at me when they almost hit me (dude in this case was in his fifties and should know that a stop sign is NOT a yield sign).

and for some reason the lack of the use of turn signal pisses me off the most out of all of these transgressions.

its not like you have to reach back into the trunk to let people know that you plan to switch lanes, in many cases your hands are already moving in the direction you would have to have to flip that lever as you turn anyway.

so yeah.

if we cant get together as a species to do something as being not criminally negligent while driving, i dont see how people can be so optimistic that we can learn to coexist and not to wage wars on one another for things as "silly" as the oil it takes for said asshats to remain a menace on the road.

its all so effing mysterious, its beyond me.

weeks 22 - 23: influence - disguise

2011-09-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

I know that I say this a lot, especially over the last year or so, but I do apologize for the lack of consistent updates.

I remember when I first started this project that I would post, at times several entries a week.

Its just that lately that I have been less than inspired to do anything other than read and watch tv while dealing with the thing that is what my life has become…

In a word, boring.

so i decided to cheat a bit and make this post count for two.

That said:

i made a mistake the other night, in that i looked at my senior yearbook.

it took me back to who i was then, and the comments reminded me of things about myself that i had forgotten.

my junior and senior years were apparently marked by my attempt at breaking out of the "gap" image that my mom tried (and still to this day) to endear (read: impose upon) me.

so i started to buy second hand clothes, boots, eyeliner... etc.

it wasnt goth, it wasnt industrial, they called it alterna-goth, i realized some years later that it was eventually dubbed emo.

somehow i fell into the "indy" dress code in college, not for any measure of effort but, more that i had a cool girlfriend at the time and was living in san francisco.

and as i thought about it, i began to wonder who was the real me?

am i just some guy that dresses the part?

and then it makes me think about all those women i fell in love for/over these past years.

many were just variations of a theme

and that, i guess is my fault.

there must be something so self destructive in me that i seem to seek out the same things in the

women that i end up with, no matter how well they disguise their damage.

and I know that even though the others aren’t her, they are variations on a theme.

It all becomes a matter of not seeing through the disguise presented.

Still, I cant help but to miss her, even though I know that the her no longer exisits.

pulp - just like a friend

Don't bother saying you're sorry
Why don't you come in
Smoke all my cigarettes again

Every time I get no further
How long has it been?
Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams

You take up my time
Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean,

I've done this before
And I will do it again

Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend

Oh and I'll come running

Just to do it again

You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end
Let me tell you now: it's lucky for you that we're friends.

week 21: swell

2011-08-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

i was going to say something else last night when i originally was going to post.

but i slept on it so to speak, and i guess i forgot most of it.

swell, i used to say its be swell but the swellings gone down, until a female co-worker took it to mean that i was referring to having an erection as opposed to a bruise, so whos the real pervert in that scenario?

sorry, i know im rambling but... well, any way.

i know that i have been blessed in my life, in that i have met and loved several wonderful women, and shared some wonderful moment with them, and the fact that things didnt work out in the end... well thats just the way things are.

that said, i have written stories, and those while maybe not the happiest or perfect, well those should have been my stories, more than just thoughts and ink on paper.

the thing is that i tried to realize them but for some reason never able to find them past the pages of some notebook.

sometimes i go back and read these stories, dig up boxes in the garage brave the dust and spiders and it takes me back and my heart swells.

one republic: good life

Woke up in London yesterday

Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone
New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be a good life
This has gotta be a good life
This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire 'night
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Oh this has gotta be a good life
This has gotta be a good life
This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire 'night
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly, hopelessly
I have so much to feel good about

weeks 18, 19 and 20: swept, launch, and mid-summer night

2011-06-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

so yeah.

im a slacker, ive dropped the ball for nearly a month with no posts, my bad.

however, since im such an awesome guy i buckled under, left my cave, braved the warm summer nights and went out into the world to revisit the old patio at the bar i used to go to, back when i was more a part of the world.

some of these are better than other, some might be a bit of a streach, but then, considering that the last few weeks ive spent many hours holding a pencil staring a a blank sketchbook, well at least its lines on paper (or in form monitor.

so here it is, the last three weeks, with exerpts from another journal i sometimes use.

week 20: mid-summer night

ok, let me start this by saying that yes, i do know that the moon isnt this big, if it were it would tear the earth and itself apart and the size of it is totally unrealistic, i agree, but sometime it feels like it is.

the thing about where i currently live is that summer nights are, the most part, perfect. you could go outside at four in the morning and the air feels like bathwater, and the skies are filled with stars that you can see because of the semi rural area, and you can only barely hear the cars from the freeway.

its a very peaceful time to be awake and think about things.

i was sitting on my lawn last night looking up the moon and was thinking that that moment was almost perfect, if i didnt think about the next day or month or year, and that it was missing just one thing and that was someone to share it with.

week 19: launch

i wish i had a better way of explaining this one, its how i used to handle things, at least how i handled things more often, in college, when i was within crawling distance from a neighborhood bar.

by moving back home it made me change the way i did things, launched new habits and behaviors, not all of them good but some not so bad.

one of the drawbacks is that being here has caused me to become far less social, and slowly as one job dried up after another (cutbacks and going out business due to the economy) my life has become smaller and smaller.

i went out for a minute the other night, bought a beer and a newspaper (for the crossword) and sat alone on the patio about as far as i could from everyone else outside.

it didnt save me from the karoke blaring from the external speakers, however, something that hasnt happened in a long time well... did.

i know its poor form to complain that i look younger than i am, i get carded at 32 for buying 7up, in that i dont really care, i have an id, what i am (poorly) trying to get to is that im often mistaken for a younger version of me (unless you saw a picture of younger me and then you wouldnt) i guess ive worn well.

anyway, there i was, trying to figure out 43 across and passively listening to bad singing and random conversations, when i get a tap on my shoulder.

and a sweet voice saying "cheers!"

she wasnt drunk, stumbling, or all that impared, at least as far as i could see.

she was a 5'4," 130lb, bottle blonde and rather cute.

so we clinked glasses and she invited me to come over to her table with her friend and another guy.

but she was also probably young 21, 22, around there or so, so i said thanks but im finishing this (beer) and taking off.

had this happened five years ago i most likely be in her bed right now.

this isnt bragging or regret.

i just realized that i cant remember the last time that i was actually touched by another person, in any way, shape or from.

anyway.

week 18: swept

this one is about talking to god, and letting pointless habits be swept away.

maybe a bit of cleaning of the soul, of clearing my head, or coming to terms with things and the way they are and accepting that i dont have as much control over my life as i thought did.

coming to terms with all of that, and that if he exists, well... he has a lot of shit that hes going to have to answer for.

i have made many promises over the last few years

one was no more late night chats with "god" and later with my departed grandparents, which has led me to sitting outside in the rain not talking to people who are dead or nothing more than my shadow, save that unlike god, i know my shadow exists. i can yell at it, scream at it, hell... i can piss on my shadow and i know that i have had more of an e(and yes)affect than any attempt of doing any of those things at to or twards god.

to be honest at this point i lost my train of thought, i did have something that i wanted to say, i guess i was de-railed... yeah a bad pun, intended.

oh

yeah

promises

and this IS important.

i promise that i will tell only one more person that i love them

and i dont know who, or when, or how.

but once more and that is it.

period.

and for your musical pleasure i submit:

the xx: shelter

I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

just a small announcement, no big deal

2011-06-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

id like to begin this post with an apology to all of you who have been visiting this last month checking to see if i had gotten around to posting and have kept coming back despite my last of activity on this project.

there are several reasons for my lack of posts, one of which is i have been feeling less than inspired the last few weeks, another is that there is a lot of stuff happening in my life (none of it noteworthy ironically) that is causing me much stress, anxiety, and distraction. it is very frustration and the illo above should illustrate how i feel inside my head.

that said i might not have much access to a scanner or an internet connection next month, and possibily even longer.

i hope that this will not turn out to be the case so check in and see, i will do my best to continue this project at least until the end of the current volume.

week 17: asleep

2011-06-03T03:56:00.000-07:00

fair warning, im probably not going to be quite as eloquent as i usually am here, that said, i might have just done.

anyway.

ive been thinking about sleep and how every time you lay down its like kinda practising for death, in that when youre awake youre alive and when you arent, you go somewhere else.

sometimes its nowhere, sometimes its eden, and sometimes its hell.

i guess it all depends on a "spot of mustard you had with dinner that night."

whatever your ghosts or demons or angels or nothing, well i guess we bring it upon ourselves, one way or another.

i find that i both love and sleep, i fear death as much as i find life lacking, and in that i honestly cant figure out a happy medium better than that i guess ill have to ride it out, but sleep, i hate sleeping because im always, invariably remembering a girl, that though, i lost, never existed.

and that though she wasnt really there, i look forward to seeing her every night.

fucked up, right?

so yeah, hell, heaven, or whatever.

oh and a song?

ok.

something i can never have - nine inch nails

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

I just want someting i can never have.

heh...

merrily

merrily

life

is

but

a

dream.

week 16: lesson

2011-05-06T02:00:00.000-07:00

heh, a good one i guess.

it has been mentioned by two people that i interact with on some level of consistancy that maybe this project has run it course, and that, from the other, its nothing more than navel gazing... the latter source once referred to this whole project as "masturbation" as well.

i know that these posts are usually kind of downers, its not intentional, i wish i could write and draw about my life and have it be as sugary sweet as many of the other posts i see here every week.

but im writing about what is happening in my life, where i am, how im doing, and, hopefully, provide me with a documented timeline of my progress or lack therof.

that said, lesson.

id like to think that im learning about myself in all of this, life is nothing but a series of experiences or lessons that eventually define us.

we either learn from them or find new ways to make the same mistakes.

and i seem to be very good at that, the latter that is.

or its an art class, and you learn what muscles go where and get to draw nude people before lunch.

or its drawing and writing notes in a bar.

or its letting yourself fall in love with the knowledge that it leaves you so very open to being crushed.

or its knowing that something is slipping away and you dont know how to fix it... again.

i know that this is older stuff but thats kind of the point and im feeling a bit nostolgic.

the fray - how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life

ps: i can draw feet, so there

another run at bicycle

2011-04-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

or at least it's what i tell myself, i have seen that we lie best to ourselves anyways.

so bicycle

twice a cycle

cycle.

meaning what exactly...

a year, a decade, a life time?

tonight i present this.

not drawn nor arranged but accidental, perfect, see i wore this chain with these ankhs for over more than half my life, and the rings of intent and of ultimate failure hanging not three inches from my heart.

not every woman decides to return a spurned ring it seems, and i am not going to say who did.

what i will say is that when two people decide on a course of action be it having children, buying a flat or a mic whopper, it means something.

it is rather ironic that the more i look at the chain i see...

nevermind, i shall let you sort that out for yourself, or not.

week 15: bicycle

2011-04-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

an aside, i drew this years ago, most likely around 03 or 04...

i guess i could try and force this into bycicle.

two people running through things.

over and over again.

so i guess i will.

some of you know the begining, some of you know the end, and many of you know the aftermath.

esp. if you have paid any attention to this blog.

and, and , ill leave you all with this, something that i would have rather sold, but whatever, id rather it be seen than not.

Last weekend

They say your college years are supposed to be the ones best of your life.
This situation does nothing to inspire any hope for my future.
I’m not really here, she’s talking and I not hearing anything that’s coming out of her mouth.
I feel as if I’d just been hit, really hard in the head. That same, dazed and detached feeling that you get when you wake up in a strange room or…. having been knocked unconscious.
I struggle to find my bearings in this situation.
Inside my heart isn’t breaking.
What it’s doing is worse.
I can feel it tearing, ripping apart fiber by fiber.
Inside I can feel that old familiar sensation of cold heat numb my body.
I wonder if I could will my heart to stop beating.
She stopped talking, she does that. She’ll be going on and on and out of nowhere she’ll stop, then when you start to speak she yells at you for interrupting her.
So between having learned not to talk until you’re sure she’s finished and being in a state complete disbelief, I remain silent.
I’m having trouble breathing.
I’m having trouble looking at her.
I find myself instead staring at the clock. She’s talking again and is saying that i can stay the night there, with her.
Deep down I wonder whether it’s more out of an actual desire to have me there or that she just doesn’t want to drive me home.
I suspect it’s mostly the latter the feel oddly used.
I don’t want to be here, with her, like this.
Not anymore.
I can’t accept these terms.
All I want right now is to be drunk, disconnected, to crawl into a bottle or be in bed with someone I don’t love, don’t care about, someone who doesn’t have this capability, this capacity to hurt me.
Mostly she seems to be taking her time with this.
I can feel her eyes burning into side of my head. I haven’t looked at her for a while now. I remember that it wasn’t so long ago that it was difficult for me to keep my eyes off of her.
I turn my head and as soon as we make eye contact she turns away.
I crack some stupid joke about how it’s taken this to look at me.
It falls flat in the throbbing silence and I realize how hollow and forced it sounds.
My eyes are burning, I’m tired and sober.
I feel that tears well up.
I say that I’m not going to argue a case for myself, to give her reasons to stay. To beg.
I say I’m not going to ask why.
I feel myself shutting down, cell by cell, parts of me that I worked so hard to nurture dying. My defense mechanisms that have fought so hard against slamming down like blast doors.
For once I did everything right.
I didn’t push.
I took it a slow.
I gave her space.
I had ample temptation an opportunity yet remained faithful.
I had begun to believe in the possibility of a future.
Over there, at the end of the couch buried under a blanket, a million miles away, she’s talking.
She can’t trust her emotions when they are always changing, uncertain.
She doesn’t know why she feels differently about me, about us, she just does.
She says it’s not someone else, as if that makes this any easier.
She says that she’s tired of feeling sad, fucked up, etc.
She says she wants to feel “normal”, whatever the hell that means.
She says she loves me, but that it’s changed somehow.
She’s unable to expand on this.
She asks me what I want.
What I want.
I don’t see how this fucking matters.
And through the shock anger shows its face.
I say OK.
Say you know what I want.
I say I want to be with you.
I say I want to grow old and change with you.
I say that I want to love you and… and…
Fuck.
I begin to cry, and then she starts crying as well and I feel like an asshole.
I reach out to hold her, to comfort her and she pulls away.
I watch her cry and realize we’re weeping for two different reasons, me for us and her for herself.
Deep down this hurts worst of all.
I look at the clock and it’s 1:57 in the morning.
I realize my chances for alcohol tonight has dropped to zero.
I light a cigarette and surround myself with smoke.
“Well,” I say, “at least we had a good run.”
I pause.
“No, I guess we didn’t, did we.”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact.
In my head and quoting poetry, quoting lyrics.
I’m identifying through other people’s words.
We hope that you choke.
How I don’t know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
How you don’t know where you should look so you look at my hands.
And we stood at your door with your hands on my hips and you kissed me.
And I knew that you meant it.
That you meant it.
I fight this with everything that I am.
She offers to put on a movie.
The last thing I want to do is connect a movie to this moment, already it’s hard to walk through a video store without seeing timeline of failed relationships.
Holly: the princess bride, the matrix, snake eyes, episode one, brown eyes.
Heather: revenge of the nerds, star trek 4, anything Adam Sandler, green eyes.
Hillary: spaceballs, Dracula 2000, diehard, family man, brown eyes.
Allison: pokemon the movie(don’t ask), Moulin rouge, Harry potter, brown eyes.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg, off the top of my head. I’m sure if I were to put more thought to this I could assign nearly the entire history of cinematography to some girl.
I don’t need any more random reminders.
Music is the same way.
Tori Amos.
The Cure.
Radiohead.
Nirvana.
Smashing pumpkins.
Peter Murphy.
Weezer.
James.
Hole.
nine inch nails.
Songs to fuck to.
I realize that listening to the downward spiral will be difficult for now on.
In my head I’m there in the tattoo parlor on Haight, waiting for hours while she gets her stars.
I’m in bed watching her sleep, still not believing that she’s really there.
And in its July, and we’re drinking corona’s on my mom’s porch having random stupid conversations, back when sexual tension was measured in her hitting me in the arm every 2 minutes.
In my head, we’re bed THAT night and she says I feel so right, so good, so perfect.
I said that it was like coming home.
She said that she needed this, she needed me.
From across the couch, a million miles away, she says she doesn’t want to lose me, she doesn’t want me to disappear from her life.
I say it’s not like I’m dying – but I am.
And it’s the first time I’ve lied to her.
As a given the distance it’s unlikely they will see much of each other.
The calls will become less and less frequent and eventually not all.
I tell her that this is on her terms.
And I beg her to get help, to work her shit out, don’t do this to the next guy.
I feel another door slam shut.
Another part of me dies.
A look at my fingernails and I realize I’ve bit them until they bled.
She says we’re redefining the nature of our relationship.
I say like getting engaged, only opposite.
She says engagements are usually happy things.
Ideally that’s not the point.
I asked her if there’s any hope, any chance, down the line, in the future.
I regret this immediately.
She says not for to be like it was.
That clear.
That certain.
That final.
Through the tears as to drive me home.
She says again that I don’t have to go.
I say yes, I do
I light another cigarette-I am that cigarette, I realize how much we have in common.
And then she says that she has beer.
I’m angry her for feeling the need to bribe me, but I’m also sober and in pain.
So between gulps of beer I regret having come up for the weekend.
I can’t afford to fall apart.
I resent her timing.
Resent having to deal with this on top of everything else.
After the third beer I stand up, I’ve had my moment of clarity.
Two years ago I would’ve stayed in slept with her, took whenever she was willing to give, in whatever context.
But I’m not him, that loser anymore.
Deep down I can feel him fighting for rebirth.
I tell her that I’m a pretty terrific guy.
That she was lucky to have me.
I’ve never said those words before.
I say that she’s losing more than she knows.
I say that I want to go home now.
She starts crying.
I need to be where she wasn’t.
I say that she could call me later in the week, though I doubt she will.
I walk out the door.
I am dead.
And you sitting there
Are possibly and justifiably wondering what was the point of having read this.
Now, now you know exactly how I feel.
What was the point?

Coda:
She’s behind me, on the porch, her porch, and she’s fucking beautiful.
And then I realize that of nowhere, somehow I’m aroused. How can I hate someone, been so much pain, and still want of fuck them?
We’re breaking up and I’m addressing her with my eyes.
I joke that we could go back to her room for a goodbye fuck.
That I’ve never had one and am admittedly curious about the concept.
She says who says that this is goodbye?
And now I’m even more confused.
I tell myself I was mostly kidding any ways… Mostly.

so some one once said that everyone had one batman comic to write, id go a bit further and say that everyone has at least one story to tell.

for whatever it might be worth... this was/is mine.

and dont say i never gave you anything:

"I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You"

Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
'Cause falling in love just makes me blue.
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me.
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown,
Take that frown and break it, before the evening's gone away,
I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
Well the night does funny things inside a man.
These old tomcat feelings you don't understand,
Well I turn around to look at you; you light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met.
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.
I can see that you are lonesome just like me,
And it being late, You'd like some some company.
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me,
The guy you're with has up and split the chair next to you's free.
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me.
Now it's closing time, the music's fading out.
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you; you're nowhere to be found,
I search the place for your lost face,
Guess I'll have another round.
And I think that I just fell in love with you.

another stab at journey

2011-04-22T02:58:00.000-07:00

a new found glory - all downhill from here

you're hiding something, cuz it's burning through your eyes
i try to get it out but all i hear from you are lies
i can tell you're going through the motions
figured you were writing out your part
once again we're playing off emotion
which one of us will burn until the end.

Catalyst you exist to pull me down,
You contradict the fact that you still want me around,
and its all downhill from here,
and all downhill from here

Your good intentions slowly turn to bitterness
Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss
i can tell you're going through the motions
figured you were writing out your part
once again we're playing off emotions
which one of us will burn until the end.

Catalyst you exist to pull me down,
You contradict the fact that you still want me around,
and its all downhill from here,
and all downhill from here

I can't believe you pulled it off again
I'm running till it all sets in
You'll deny it till you're at your bitter end
i can tell you're going through the motions
figured you were writing out your part
once again we're playing off emotions
which one of us will burn until the end.

Catalyst you exist to pull me down,
You contradict the fact that you still want me around,
and its all downhill from here,
and all downhill from here

(AND YOU KEEP PULLING ME DOWN)
Pulling me down pulling me down
Catalyst you exist to pull me down,
You contradict the fact that you still want me around,
and its all downhill from here,
and all downhill from here

week 14: journey

2011-04-22T02:24:00.000-07:00

better late than never, right?

i had trouble building up the effort to post this week, im not sure why, i know that in the past there have been times when ive missed my self-imposed deadlines, but those were generally because i was too busy to get around to it.

not that those distractions were really all that legitimate or healthy, but now its more of a struggle to find inspiration or find that passion that i used to have for creating...

i suppose that im just depressed or something, and while that used to seem to help my creative process, it doesnt seem to be doing as good a job these days.

one of the several reasons i decided to start fifty-two fridays was that i felt at the time that i wasnt able to stick to a project long enough to finish it, another was to see for myself a documented timeline of progress (or lack therof) in my life.

so the other night i decided to sit down and go, from the begining, all the way through from post one.

and aside from glaring typos, what hurt the most to see was that the last few years have been, cycles.

clearly im not doing something right... right?

anyway.

the other thing that i noticed was that how the art style developed over the years.

i know that most skills (if not all) improve with practice, but i had been in art school/classes since jr. high.
and when i decided to start 52F i made a choice to approach the art in a vague and general sort of way, rough, using as few lines as i could to express what i was trying to say in regards to the prompt.

before that i drew in a different sort of way, or a few different sorts of ways depending on what i was doing, and who/why i was doing it for.

the image above was done in june, 2003, and probably marks a transition between the more detailed style that had been the norm, and what would eventually become what ive beeen doing over the last few years.

so in honor of the why that brought about the change initially i want to dedicate this one to jen, and that last weekend.

nin - something i can never have

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep
Anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And i'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the colour if I had a heart
Come on, tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And i'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

and one of mine - dead girl

betrayed

by the way

your dress can make you seem

so insecure to all

you never felt a thing

so beautiful

and in my eyes

theres no one else

so far away

i feel you

still

so stand up straight

stand up tall

your shoulders back

your chin held proud

dont let them see you cry

youd rather die

so run away from me

from them

from the clouds

and maybe some day you might feel something

dead girl you were the one

im sure of that

as much as ive become

dead like you

with no one like you in my life these days

and when wed talk id cry

at the fact

you hated no one but yourself.

week 13: bottled

2011-04-12T05:41:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking about this one quite a bit.

bottled.

as anyone who has spent more than a cursory glance at this blog would know, i have my share of demons, shadows, issues, problems, whatever.

my past is something that seems to be constantly snapping at my heels.

when i was in my childhood and later, in my teens i was subjected to therapy, therapists, and i guess like anything i had to do i saw it as a punishment, an onus, and i got really good at telling them what they wanted to hear so i wouldnt have to see them longer than was necessary, you know, clean bill of health and "on your way".
i may have done myself a disservice in retrospect.

when i was about seventeen i was seeing a therapist who i now know wanted to help me, and i, in my head-strong, idiot sort or way decided to waste his and, it would seem, my time as well.
id like to apologize for that now.

anyway.

anyway.

all of those things that i have bottled up for what, twelve, thirteen and more years seem to be weighing me down.
and now,

now ive stalled.

i dont know where to turn anymore.

every path and direction ive seen and/or chosen have ended up in a dead end.

so...

so i decided to go revisit the last therapist after many years.

two good sessions so far, and i havent cried or had any major breakthroughs or anything and i wish i could say i feel better about my life and situation, but there you are, i guess.
at least this time its something i decided on doing instead of being forced into.

i guess.

there was more that i wanted to say here but as is mostly always the case, i forgot.

at any rate here is something i heard on a low budget zombie flick

flip grater - be all and end all

What’s that you said
Something bout death
Something like we’re all going to hell
And what’s that I said
Bout cause and effect
You may find you’re already there
Be all and end all
You can’t find your way home
And no one around you has got nothing to say
I will take you away from it all
You’ve had all you’ve asked for
Now it’s time to go home

to hear:
http://www.thesixtyone.com/s/mXU4OJ1j386/

read onto it what you want...

mostly i miss being held, i miss home, and home was never where i grew up.

i really miss being held.

week 12: duet

2011-04-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

this is an older one, i drew this in the rain, waiting for a bus in the city by the bay.

it was just after i lost, heh, lost, someone who meant a lot to me.

ive come to discover that life is more about enduring with losses than enjoying gains, i know how cynical that sounds but there it is.

i was going to say more but im just too tired

oh, oh...

2011-04-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

he draws scribbles...

an idiot, or something

reactionary... i might give you that .

its kind of funny that anyone that i have met over the age of forty but under the age of seventy claims exclusive rights to pink floyd.

among other bands.

its also funny that they these same baby boomers are also among the leaders of fighting the drugs they did while listening to ... dot dot dot

band and song: whatever.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
And cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

yeah i miss being held.

art school among other things.

2011-03-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

idle hands...

i sometimes find it funny how humans have some ability to run on auto-pilot.

reflexes, rote memorization, muscle memory.

there are time when i look down at my lap and notice that while i was watching some tv show i was sketching as well, in this case, a gesture drawing.

its not that great or anything, im not bragging here, but that i did this without really thinking about it is kind of, i dont know, its something i guess.

oh, as for art school...

fuck them.

its kind of funny how can do something for a specific reason, for a specific outcome or goal, aim, and get something completely different out of or from the experience.

heres to you kate

lucero: drink til were gone

life is short
in spite of your plans
so, tell the girls they're pretty while you can
one day they're gone
and all you got left is
some empty bottles and an old country song
that plays on and on

i wasted my time with these cigarettes
and these ashes all i've got left
wash this old town
nothings left for me
washed down stream into the sea
this big ol' river will kill us in time
'til then we'll drink it's weight
in cheap beer and wine
we can drink just as fast as the river is strong
and we'll drink 'til we're gone.
we'll drink 'til we're gone.

life is short
inspite of your plans
so, tell the girls they're pretty while you can
one day they're gone
and all you got left is s
ome empty bottles and an old country song
this big ol' river will kill us in time
'til then we'll drink it's weight
in cheap beer and wine
we can drink just as fast as the river is strong
and we'll drink 'til we're gone.
we'll drink 'til we're gone.

week11: toy

2011-03-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

thought i'd have some fun with this one...

that was a joke.

now i know that there are certain immutable laws of nature,

that water will not freeze at 47 degrees.

where and when i learned the word "immutable" i cannot remember...

the redsox and kings will always suck

a claim made despite my utter lack of sports intrest/knowledge.

and then theres this.

i know that on occasion my family gets bored and decides to have a peek here.

so at times i have to self edit, right?

i mean its easier to be honest with strangers than family.

maybe its because you dont care what people you dont know think about you, or what youre doing...

anyway.

i dont expect to be featured as the IF pick of the week, esp. not for this one.

i have dated many women in my time, and of the many, few of those that i was intimate with were open to, shall we say, "taking care of their own needs".

wow i managed to say it without saying it.

anyway.

of those i was with and between those who did and didnt, i always found that those who did were... i dont want to say easier, but... um... easier to please.

mostly because she could tell me where to go and how long to stay there.

not trying to be in-app-pro-pro here just making a point.

anyway.

yael naim: new soul (raped by iphone commercials)

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul
In this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end
'Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

I'm a new soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...
Take take take take take... take a mistake
Take, take a mistake
Take, take a mistake

week 10: cultivate

2011-03-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

im not sure why these prompts have been so much more difficult to relate to lately. it could be that they are not as inspiring as they used to be, but i doubt that.

i suspect it has more to do with the situation i find myself in.

so this week was cultivate.

as in nurture, growth, etc...

see, i made a mistake today.

it wasnt intentional but then, mistakes by their nature usually arent.

i went on facebook, saw that a friend posted, and clicked on her site... to see that she was a mutual friend of an ex.

an ex with a new user pic that kind of hints that shes with someone else.

now i know that i shouldnt care, and mostly i dont... i think.

and really when i think about it, its some other guy that gets to deal with all that shit that comes along with a hug every once in awhile and maybe... rarely, more.

but it takes time to cultivate love, and even more for hate, and you cant have one without the other.

i think that ive gotten good at losing people that i invested so much of mu heart in.

i guess, all in all, its a testomony to how much they mattered, as in how much i hate them now.

i wish it made me feel better.

i may have posted these lyrics before but, well... whatever, enjoy.

bright eyes: something vague

Now and again it seems worse than it is,
but mostly the view is accurate.
You see your breath in the air as you'll climb up the stairs
to that coffin you call your apartment.
And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair
and drink the cold away.
And you're not really sure what you're doing this for
but you need something to fill up the days.
A few more hours.
There's a dream in my brain that just won't go away.
It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago
And I'm standing on a bridge in the town where I lived
as a kid with my mom and my brothers.
And then the bridge disappears and I'm standing on air
with nothing holding me.
And I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark,
for all those starving eyes to see,
like the ones we've wished on.
But now I'm confused. Is this death really you?
And do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost that's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
something more like a feeling.

week 9: stir

2011-03-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

i had an elaborate idea for this one but... life got in the way

so instead of me drawing out what i would have drawn...

stir.

some of my earliest memories were that of my mother stirring soup, and that i was one of three, my second was my sister, a partner in crime and we told our youngest and redheaded sister over and over that the floating pieces of parsley, if that what it was in lipton soup, was poison.

she, the red headed sister, has since become a doctor and still rarely goes near soup.

that is not something im proud of.

stir

then there was the day that i was told that my father killed himself...
and that was the day, night actually that i drank my first cup of coffee.

what would follow will be known as the dennys years...

where i just nursed coffee while i drew.
and the ever present waitress fucking up my cream to sugar to coffee ratio buy topping it off.

yes, she was doing her job well, in theory, but i had told them all not to, nobody listens.

thats when i decided and learned to drink coffee black.

that said

i would like to share

a song i wrote

been looking back a thousand breaths
or so it seems
in search of signs of change, in me

but all i am's a cigarette
closer to death
but that's enough for me these days

been thinking about the memories
of times we shared
albeit briefly
all of these they slowly fade away

of promises we never had
the chance to keep
how typical, but
but nonetheless how
tragic
all the same.

and that's all
that's left
of me
now that youre gone
thats all thats left of me
your knowing eyes
and pouting lips
there's so more much i'll know i'll know i miss
you're everything that i wished i could be.

capricious youth now fades away
has left me here to my dismay
has shown me what a...

...fucking fool i've been.

and that that's all
i take
with me,
now that we're done
and that all
i take
with me

and maybe now im grownig up
but growing up so hard to do

and maybe now im moving on
but doing thats so hard to to do
and maybe now i'm letting go
and maybe i can let you know

someday.

week 8: warning

2011-03-11T01:43:00.000-08:00

things that i wish i had done differently.

a warning to the youth.
perhaps this should have been "proverb"

but things are as they or are, or is as they is...

so to speak.

i have been suffering from some of the cruelest dreams i have ever had

i have no one to talk to about them anymore

that said...

ill offer you the best advice, or warnings, based on what i have managed to learn so far.

college is a joke
tomorrow will always suck
anything/everything that you love will either die or leave you
debt will swallow you whole

most importantly:

it is easier to go through life stupid than unlucky.

and

and

it sucks to be alone.

and so, freshman: verve pipe

When I was young I knew everything
She, a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks' worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

week 7: swarm

2011-03-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

i really hate it when i cant figure out a way to make these prompts work into my life.

not that i in any way think that i am the center of the unverse, but i do think that many things are universal.

swarm.

i could draw locusts or bees.

or ants i guess.

i could do some sort or comment on american imperalism.

or i coud do something (and in hindsight, should have) done something about the overwhelming lack of options i face as i get older...

instead i give you this.

one of the many drawings i did years ago and never published.

i drew this on a coaster in a bar that i truly miss among people i miss even more.

and as for the lies i was talking about, it is not about what i say here, it was about creating entertainment.

so here it is, on the original beer (and god knows what else) stained coaster.

oh and damien rice's nine crimes.

its what im listenting to at the moment... enjoy.

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse

And is that alright? Yeah
Give my gun away when it's loaded

That alright? Yeah

If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?

That alright? Yeah

Give my gun away when it's loaded
That alright? Yeah, with you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you

It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse

And is that alright? Yeah
To give my gun away when it's loaded

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah

If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah

If I give my gun away when it's loaded

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

That alright? Yeah

If I give my gun away when it's loaded

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah

You don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah

If I give my gun away when it's loaded

(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

And is that alright? Yeah

(To give my gun away when it's loaded)

Is that alright? Yeah

(You don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?)

Is that alright? Yeah

(To give my gun away when it's loaded)

Is that alright? Is that alright?

Is that alright with you? No

week 6: layers

2011-02-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

im not proud of this one, i can be somewhat the dick in my younger years, and as i have illustrated, and i have had my moments of humility, that said there was a point in my life when a roomate did the e-harmony nth-level of compatibility match up and bombed...

and i laughed

long and loud

(as i said, dick)

afterward, even though i was still in a relationship (one that was in its final stages) i decided to see what i would score...

after an hour of answering the same questions i got an answer.

it told me "not to bother with their services", i too was non permis

i am not going to say anything about the fact that if decided to do sweater and then layers, but i will say this

e-harmony and its layers of compatibility can go... whatever, i really dont care that much.

week 5: sweater

2011-02-18T04:16:00.000-08:00

did i lose that sweater, or did it lose me?

i know that, as of late, these posts have been somewhat... downers, and self-indulgent, but it's just what i have been working through lately.

also, i know that i have been posting "late in the game" as it were, i seem to be stuck here at home i i tend to be more creative when i get out of the house.

when i saw this prompt i immediately had this concept, it took me a week to articulate it and even now i don't think that i did it justice.

that said.

when i was in high school there was this band, an indy band that had a blue album.

and later many others.

and on that album was a song called undone (the sweater song)

so what is a sweater?

it's warmth,
comfort,
it's something that protects you from the environment.

it is, in fact, a shield.

and in the case of that particular song it is a woman, or in a broader (no pun intended) a relationship.

now i know that i have said, in the past, that we are nothing more than a collection of our experiences, but i am, at times, a hypocryte.

i have had to burn many "sweaters" in order to move on.

i know of exes that still hang pictures of "us" in her cubicle long after i have burnt anything that reminds me of the time we spent together.

and people think that i am odd not wanting my picture taken, perhaps i am...

i once said here that i can only remember relationships in terms of music... that is not entirely accurate.

it can, at least for me, be measured in what i was wearing at the time, i love sweaters, i lived in sf too long to not love layers.

and as part of the "moving on" process, the whole, "if she leaves you, and it was of her era, it's dead to me" thing, i have lost more than a few really nice sweaters.

s'funny, i think that sometimes i actually miss those cotton hoodies more than them.

but then again, i'm probably lying to myself.

weezer: undone (the sweater song) (and then with additions from sonic youth)

And each of you is a reminder to the earth and what it is capable of. You all the reason rational, lackadaisical, irrational. You are the ceaseless sieges on the city of joy. The reason Agamemnon went to troy. Base your self at the knees of yourself, intelligence is not a discipline, it is an experience. Allow it to explode. Destroy buildings I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Did I lose that sweater, or did it lose me?

Im me
Me be
Goddamn
I am
I can
Sing and
Hear me
Know me
If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away

And language was invented so people could lie, don’t just say I love you let your love perspire and fly. It is the most profound gymnastics and incredible calisthenics. Let me pole vault you let me cartwheel into your beauty in an ideal love affair. We never had to say I love you…stutter first and by the way, I love you.

Oh no
It go
It gone
Bye-bye
Who i
I think
I sink
And I die
if you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel Ill soon be naked
Lying on the floor, Ive come undone

if you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel Ill soon be naked
Lying on the floor, Ive come undone

If you want to destroy my sweater
(I dont want to destroy your tank-top)
Hold this thread as I walk away
(lets be friends and just walk away)
Watch me unravel Ill soon be naked
(hate you see you lyin there in your superman skivvies)
Lying on the floor, Ive come undone

sweaters that are loneliness which is a delusion, sweaters that emasculate creating confusion, a giant repression, nothing is so precious sweater of lycra, sweaters of spandex: we don't need them. sweater of knit wear creating the reason that Cesar went to Gaul we don't need the sweater, walk through the sweater
the sweater that murders, the sweater that takes over our lives and remind us that we don't like the way we walk. the sweater, walk through the sweater Apocalypse and find your own warmth.

week 4: reverse

2011-02-10T02:07:00.000-08:00

i was originally planning on posting something on here about glee.

the television show about high school kids who sing a lot.

and i couldn't think of why i hated it, outside of the obvious, until now.

i watched half an episode of south park earlier, it was a spoof on high school musical.

and it dawned on me, i couldn't wait for that failed abortion that were those movies to fade away from common usage and popular culture.

and yet, now its back.

glee style.

that said, i have been thinking about this prompt, reverse.

i generally try to look at the word, of the meanings of every prompt and try and figure out how it might apply to my life, sometimes i have more success than others, getting out of the house seems to help more than anything else.

so reverse.

i feel like at my age i should be moving in a certain direction, a direction that if not classified as completely opposite of that which i may or may not find myself on, shouldn't be non-existent.

so I'm either stuck in place, or i am headed backward.

i wish this was a happier post.

this realization (?) applies to several aspects of my life.

i have been thinking about all of the women that i have loved in my life, now i don't want to come off as a ted or even a barny (i'll let you guys figure out the reference there) but i always entered those relationships with the intention of having that person being the last person that i would ever be with, and i have thought that, well a few times anyway, that i had found that one, the last one, and it was a good feeling.

until they ended and at some point i began to look for "outs", you know, places where you could exit and nobody gets hurt more that the need to?

and so now here we are, reverse.

for those who want to see the actual piece, titled. she never really got what it was all about:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CC5p1xBk_J0/TVO2L4hP_3I/AAAAAAAABXw/auoDxLa2GxI/s1600/reverse.jpg

there were several girls that i have loved, and one that i have been truly in love with, but im pretty sure she never understood what that meant.

so yeah, reverse.

week 3: surrender

2011-02-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

so

what does that mean?

to submit? to give in?

to quit?

to bow to overwhelming odds, to concede to the inevitable?

to accept that which you cannot change?

to, i dont know, accept your losses.

i have lost so much, so many things that i have loved have been taken from me, in some ways more and others less, and yet at the same time i guess that overall i should consider myself blessed for that which i do have.

i dont want to come off as complaining here.

or something, whatever.

so surrender.

i could make some trite reference to a 90's sarah song, or i could wax poetic about how... no i wont even do that.

i will instead tell you a story.

its not going to be on of my more legen...wait for it... dary stories but it is one that i have never told before.

this is the story of the time i went to the wedding in carmel.

i was dating a girl at the time who happened to know someone who was getting married and i was, as it turned out, the plus one.

there was another couple who was invited to the same wedding, both of whom i went to jr college with, and the female half, well we had the same art class.

the male half was, to put it... aw fuck it, he was a dick.

anyway, she was under a lot of stress and i asked her one day in an offhanded sort of way if she was ok... (i might have jokingly said something about heroin-chic)

fast forward to the reception.

now at this point i should probably say that as far as i have been able to figure, people and their reactions to me tend to gravitate to the extremes, they generally either love me or hate me...

and i have found that, at weddings, the tend to love me (especially the black sheep aunt who assists and abets me in liberating the wine from all the other tables).

that said.

it was a beautiful service, a wonderful reception, and the groom and i (a groom i had not met until that afternoon) ended up doing shots of champagne toasting to his good health and long and happy married life.

somehow for that afternoon i became family, i met cousins uncles and the like, it was a fun day.

now.

in the mean time the previous mentioned classmates were also in attendance, and the male half of the relationship (aforementioned "dick") decided to get really drunk...

really drunk.

and decided to take that time to take umbrage to me having mentioned months before that his girlfriend had looked "as bad as i felt" as we had been getting over the flu (again i said something about how many models die for the heroin-chic look) anyway.

there, in the reception hall, he decided to throw down and cause a scene (over nothing), tore off his jacket and came storming at me, screaming "you think my girl looks like death?!?!!?"

(aside: death, as drawn in the DC Vertigo series, is hot so that would be really a kind of a complement)

now, not that i really knew this guy but i did know his rep, he was crazy, a goth/metalhead who had done wayyyyy to much acid and was looking for an excuse to put his fist into a solid object, or body, whichever was closer.

there are few times that i can remember in my life where i have sighed inwardly and committed myself to a fate inevitable, this was seemingly one of them.

and as this drunken young man came hurtling towards me, a wall of people who i had not known until earlier that day jumped up from their seats and effectively pinned him to the wall.

i would have chalked the experience up to family trying to make sure that the wedding wasnt ruined, but by that time the bride and groom had left for the honeymoon and uncle will said "hes going for patrick"...

anyway, surrender.

i guess that in some way thats what a blog is, a diary, if youre open or honest, i guess thats it a way to give up parts of your life, or share them i guess, depending on how you look at it.

week 2: chicken

2011-01-19T06:17:00.001-08:00

i apologize that its been... a few weeks since i posted. ive been dealing with a lack of inspiration, holidays, family things and... well, ive been watching seasons of the television show, how i met your mother... its my new scrubs.

the concepts of both resolutions and deja vu also apply i guess, in that i didnt post despite my intention two years ago, almost to the day to continue this blog, and that once again i almost let it happen. again.

so chicken.

i think that if you really take the time to look at relationships, you can pin point a moment that was the turning point, where you knew it would not work out.

with k it was a snide remark at a borders where she said something about me never going to marry her, with j... well i wrote a story about that, h, it was while watching Dracula 2000 in a theatre and i looked at her face in profile and i thought, 'is this the face i want to look at for the rest of my life?'

there are more initials that i could cite, and i am more than sure that many, if not most of the women that i have been involved with have felt the same, or at least some sort of parity of what i am trying to express here.

you know though, i wish i knew, i wish i knew where it was or what it was that fell short in regards to whatever it is, was, that they wanted or needed.

all i ever wanted, honestly, was to be in a relationship, a stable, healthy relationship.

i used to believe in love in the way that you would see in movies, that there was someone that i was SO in love with that i would one day marry her.

and that i was in love with her, it was just the "her" that was the missing piece in the puzzle.

stupid, right?

anyway, i digress.

at what point do you admit to yourself that something isnt working?

at what point do you let go, or admit to yourself that its going to end badly?

in the last one it was at a Target store, funnily enough the store that we had our first "date" in, as it were.

we were there to do some shopping, her weekly shopping, and i happened by the discount dvd rack where i saw gremlins, one of the few movies that i loved from my youth.
funny, i always felt bad for some reason about that one gremlin wearing the popcorn bucket as a hat dying, i still dont know why.

anyway, i said that i wanted to buy it.

and she asked why, as she owned the movie.

and...

and i let it drop, the only answer was "just in case"

and that would have been a bad answer at best.

so there i sat watching some movie i didnt want to watch wishing that i COULD watch gremlins the other night and this moment flashed through my brain meats and i realized that i had fucked up once again, heh.

i was so afraid of losing her i said nothing.

and i was so afraid of preparing for a life without her, a life alone, i said nothing.

either way, a chicken.

week 1: winter

2010-12-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

this story happend one winter, at the begining of winter break.

many years ago i was (and still am) friends with a guy who went on to a local university

which mean that i could go get college tail on weekends without the essays.

it is funny that it ended up that i had to bone up on my education, no pun intended, get these poor young women to basically spread their sheets...

i am(was/is/are) an asshole.

i hope, id like to think that I've made some progress but i am not so sure (although i know that i do prefer a crossword puzzle to an unassuming young woman these days - they being somebodies daughters and all.)

anyway

i was out with a friend earlier who told me the story of how i did the most epic thing in the world.

and this is even better than the time i stole all the wheel locks off the bikes of the apartment complex in davis...

i had been at a hippie party, and another friend and i decided to knock down their teepee, and liberate (read: steal) some beer.

pockets full we ran to the car amidst the floating ashes (teepee+bonfire=civic event)

on the way home one of the guys in the back seat threw up in the street when we screamed at the...

one second.

after the hippie party we went to an all night 24 hour restaurant.

and someone (read: me) bet another guy that he could not drink an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce and a glass of milk.

high off his burning of a hippie party he accepted.

the deal was drink both and i would pay, he got half way through before the waitress who had served us our food took pity (read, again: did not want someone to puke in her section) and comped our meal.

we (not he) ate like kings.

that leads me to a spot in my like that is only vaguely remembered.

there have been many drinks over the years and when in the company of my friend, there might have been a time or two that i may bumped into things of no consequence with his truck, i am not proud to say it but then again i was young, and even that doesn't excuse it. still it only happened once or twice and no one was ever hurt.

that said.

we were driving home from the restaurant, i was not driving, i, sadly was in the back seat next to the guy that
who was stuck in the middle who started throwing up.

somehow he managed to hold it down until the driver finally pulled over, we were all screaming at him to stop the car.

and then that leads to the two women.

the ones we picked up at the hippie party.

now.

i can not tell you their names, and, more is the point, they looked like.

and

and i cannot tell you what stupid argument we got into (my friend and i) although i am kinda sure that it had to do with the pair of girls

I'm pretty sure that there may have been a midget cop (read: actual policeman of dwarfism stature)

but i do know that i can tell you this...

he left his truck cab window open, and i pissed into his front seat, the stream was mighty, it crept up from handle to window to seat.

that was around 3 in the morning.

he was (pardon the pun) pissed but by 6 we were playing video games and laughing about it.

and no, i did not help clean it up.

week 22 (52): mail

2010-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

theres this concept in ecomics, or rule, or dictum or whatever, its called the law of diminishing returns.

its a pretty simple idea that can be made pretty complex by way of explanation.

i guess it boils down to there can be to much of a good thing, like too many cooks in a kitchen, or at a certain point the benefit of have having too, no matter how seemingly good, many things just dont stack.

sorry, i had to make those two jokes.

im probably not doing it justice so, here. its also entirely possible that im completely wrong with this and dont know what the hell im talking about which wouldnt be anything entirely new, but then again im no economist.

anyway in some ways this makes sense to me, in others its almost seems counter intuitive, i mean the more you put into something the idea is the better chance you should have to get something you want out of it right?

and then i think of things like drinking or drug use or lottery tickets, even eating, i mean you can only eat so much before you get a stomach ache right?

to quote (or paraphrase) chuck; on a long enough time line everyones chance of survival drops to zero.

mail is the same way i guess.

when i was younger, i remember getting something in the mail was a rare and joyous thing, it usually meant i got money or a comic or something.

then as i got older i got more mail, most of it were things that i had ordered and had wanted, there were some bills, but that was the price you paid for having a cell phone.

and then i got even older and did things like, go to college, and doctors, and started getting lots of mail.

slowly those things that i owned began to own me, i stopped looking forward to that mail box, and the bills and the junk that was presorted and bulk paid for on its way to my closest land fill.

week 21 (51): phenomenon

2010-12-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

And then she has the gall to ask me what I want.

What I want...

I don’t see how this fucking matters.

And through the shock anger shows its face.

I say OK.

Say you know what I want.

I say I want to be with you.

I say I want to grow old and change with you.

I say that I want to love you and… and…

Fuck.

I begin to cry, and then she starts crying as well and I feel like an asshole.

I reach out to hold her, to comfort her and she pulls away.

I watch her cry and realize we’re weeping for two different reasons, me for us and her for herself.

Deep down this hurts worst of all.

week 20 (50): prehistoric

2010-12-09T02:32:00.000-08:00

prehistoric

i was thinking about people who did things that would eventually make them figures of note.

then i thought about the renaming of bc to bce and ce from ad

lets keep god out of this, right?

that caught on like the metric system.

and yet we are still tested on them both.

anyway this was the second thing that came to mind after much thought, the first being... more complex than i want to get into right now.

so, for you viewing pleasure, BEHOLD...

christ vs. t-rex.

(and yes i know that there is probably some sort of statement hidden in there but i was raised catholic, and as such do not believe in either dinosaurs nor jesus.)

(edit: its not so much that i dont believe in god, it more a matter that he doesnt believe in me.)

week19 (49): savour

2010-11-30T05:29:00.000-08:00

and here we are, three weeks from "year two".

anyway.

i know that i have much to be thankfull for, i have more that most in this life, i have two sisters and a mother that love me, and i've never had chlamydia (not sure why i went there but hey ho.. you know... and all that).

i guess that despite the blessings that i DO have, there are certain weights that drag me down, things that i wont get into here but...

again, anyway.

suffice to say that there are rare times that i find myself not grinding my teeth, and those times are usually late at night, watching the office, the league, and many other shows on a few different networks; oh, and pawn stars.

crossword puzzles help as well.

however, there are some times, despite all that, despite what i put out there, that i can savor even those worst of moments, because they are moments that remind me that i am alive.

2010-11-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

so i thought i might post my thanksgiving experience.

week 18 (48): sneaky

2010-11-26T04:15:00.000-08:00

i had to think long and hard about this one, hence the "eleventh hour" entry. but here it is.

some days i find myself washing dishes in the sink, or watching television shows... and more and more rarely at the movies.

and it happens without any reason, i begin to cry.

its embarrasing as hell but there i am weeping.

for whatever reason this sense of something sneaks up on me and im spilling tears over brad pitt getting younger, clint eastwood sacrificing himself to take out a hmong gang, tom hanks eating a box of choclates, zach braff ending a series or one page out a book by george r. stewart, towards the end of the novel mind you...

anyway, i cry.

and i wish i knew what it was that mede me react so strongly so that i could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

but if i knew all that i probably would have a story that would make some one else cry and they would have no idea why.

oh eff it

2010-11-18T04:27:00.000-08:00

i had something to say yet again, oh, i could use a burger. anyway, whatever.

burning v.2

2010-11-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

i was going to post this last night but i got too tired to be bothered once i finished coloring it.

last night i watched a movie that i hadnt seen in years, and in that movie there was a song that i loved and used to listen to all the time.

so i began to wonder, why had i forgotten about it, why dont i hear it anymore?

so i looked at the itunes playlist and it wasnt there.

which is odd because at one point i know for a fact that i had it on computer.

then i started reading old posts here and on livejournal and i looked at the music that refrenced and was amazed to see that i have lost so many songs from my memory, that somewhere along the way of hard drive swaps, os reloads, crashes... etc. these little things that made me... connect with something have disappeared.

and that i am smaller because of it, somthing less than i was.

i guess its not just music either.

week 17 (47): burning

2010-11-16T03:33:00.000-08:00

i remember once hearing a comedian, shortly after my return from my first trip to Humboldt, going on about the battle of the sexes.

one of his jokes was that the differences between the two were rather moot when you're engulfed in flames.

to which i had to agree.

the other joke that stood out was that having sex with a stranger was a lot like committing murder, in that afterwards you're stuck there, blindly groping on the ground, alone in the dark, wondering where the fuck are my shoes..
I'm paraphrasing of course its been what. thirteen years since i hear those jokes.

so because i dont want to feel so good about myself...

2010-11-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

this was the original for the last photography based entry. its similar, i guess. but not what i was really going for, i thought i share it just cause its all part of the process i go through, and its not really fair that i post "successes" and not the failures.

please excuse the handwriting but it was dark and i was tired and there might have been alcohol in my bloodstream.

(note: i drew the final about ten minutes after this one... go figure.)

afterwards v.3

2010-11-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

so now i get serious... ish.

when i was a younger person, i went through a phase when i took a camera around and took pictures of every one and thing that i found, well... worth taking note of.

and this was still in the days of film, not the easy digital age of photography.

there was a certain effort involved, or financial investment (past buying the camera and memory stick and the time it takes to pirate photoshop of some alt.web mirror.)

back then you had to buy film, and make every shot count, because developing that film wasnt as easy as plugging in a usb cord.

ill stop beating that dead horse now.

i noticed that at some point around 2006 that i started making a subconscious (at the time) effort at staying out of photographs.

later it became more overt.

i see a camera pointed at me and i freak out, i realized that one of the last photos of me was taken new years 05/06 with K at this bar in san fran with a huge bear totem standing outside.

and thats when it hit me.

i think that i dont want any physical record to exist of this time of my life.

im unhappy
lonely
poor
fatter than i should be...

its just not a time i want to be living in let alone remember on the off chance (fingers crossed) that i pull out of this.

as to the illo.

i spent the last three years or so of my life with a woman that i had planned on being with and i have not one photograph of us together, i have in the last three years lost my grandparents and that someone i loved and have nothing in the way of a snapshot to look at and remember.

im okay with that, for the most part.

because if i dont have anything to remind me of what was i dont have to miss it as much afterwards.

or at least it will be easier to forget.

afterwards v.2

2010-11-09T02:30:00.000-08:00

i dont eat candy in general, the exceptions being christmas, easter, and eventually halloween, in that there is generally a surplus of chocolate laying around the house.

so afterwards.

i feel like i could be so serious about this prompt, but i think that for now, i wont.

this halloween past,

i...

passed out candy to kids filling shoes that i had worn years before they were born.

and it left me wondering why i didnt have my own to unleash on this world.

oops.

back to the candy

i tried to watch ghost hunters live on the 31st but eventually gave up due to circumstance... ie. constant inturruption.

and gave all the best treats out to the kids...

kit kats
snickers
baby ruths
m&m's
reeses whatever

and for the sake of

"oh god dont do that to them"

i was left with mainly

almond joys
mounds
pennies
walnuts
and apples...

week 16 (46): afterwards

2010-11-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

this one i originally intended for a different art community, http://www.tdirl.blogspot.com/, but i thought that it would work just as well here for this weeks prompt.

afterwards.

so i pretty much hate watching the television with my mom these days, not because i dislike spending time around her, but the nature of the content in shows and commercials, and even then not because i am offended by said content but more that i aways seem to have to explain it to her afterwards when she asks awkward questions about what she just heard or saw.

i have a few more ideas for this one so keep your eyes peeled.

spent v.4

2010-11-02T03:43:00.000-07:00

not much to say here except that this is one of those rare prompts that seems to kinda mean something, its vague, it open ended, it can inspire more than a tightly focused and predictiable outcome.

its not just about spending it also about worth, quality.

its one thing to throw time, effort, money, and emotional stock into an investment that you are pretty certain to get a return on.

its another to do the same and have it blow up in your face.

and realize that what you had to offer is worthless.

like all those shares in the dot com start up companies.

spent v.3

2010-11-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

so this is how i spent my halloween.

it started slow, this neighbohood used to be a popular spot to trick or treat, but as the years passed the childern grew up and moved on to other things.

this year a new generation of kids took the streets and soon i was pausing the tv every three minutes or so to pass out candy to children who were barely old enough to understand the concept of the holiday.

id open the door and some of them would try to walk in the house, making a beeline for the basket of candy by the door, or each one of them would ring the bell, even after id started passing out treats.
they were cute tho and some of them made me think of the child that i once had in my life.

many of them, well lets say that there were a few exchanges that went down like this:

like i said, cute, right?

see the thing of the night was that traditionally every year my mom hosts the family halloween party, but since the passing of the grandparents get togethers have dwindled and paired with the fact that all the cousins that are of my generation no longer have to resort to begging for candy, what was supposed to be a fun night of drinking laughter and trivial pursuit ended with my aunt and uncle coming over for a quick dinner and then leaving for other pursuits.

then my mom went to bed leaving me to gaurd the door against witches, spongebobs and quite a few bumble bees.

and then my sister called.

we hadnt been able to get ahold of either sibling earlier that day (as it turned out my mom had written both their numbers down incorrectly, and i dont call them often enought to have memorized their numbers - they swtch plans too often and get new ones - so i kept getting this number has been diconnected messages with every attempt) she had rallied and was bring her fiance and my other sis, and they were on thier way.

and the night then turned for the better as i got to enjoy their company, my mom got up and we watched the giants smash the rangers until my future brother in law (rangers fan) couldnt take it any more and we put the last harry potter movie on in the ninth inning.

which then was promptly ignored as the photo albums and acoustic guitar mad their appearances.

wine was dunk, stories were told, and my mom at one point said:

followed by a pregnant silence.

and then laughter.

when everyone recovered my soon to be brother in law announced to the room: "thats going into your blog!"

and so it has.

for my first two shots at spent:

http://52fridays.blogspot.com/2010/10/week-15-45-spent.html

http://52fridays.blogspot.com/2010/10/spent-v2.html

spent v.2

2010-10-31T04:09:00.000-07:00

regarding missed... stuff

i hate going to the movies alone.

i often wonder how many films i have missed out on seeing because id been dumped.

or that "awesome" moment when you see the last movie you watched as a couple in a theater go to video, and you think... huh, already?

its also funny that i cannot remember the years of the relationships that ive had but by who i sat next to during some flick and what the film was.

is that sad, or just normal?

anyway i was sitting alone at the spot i usually haunt, no pun intended, and was subjected to "halloween night."

surrounded by more men in drag than i had been since my college years in san francisco, and slutty witches, nurses, schoolgirls... well you name a womens costume and add "slutty" in front of it and youll get the idea, and possibly an erection or wet, depending on your gender and/or proclivity.

as i mentioned above, for whatever reason i am not really able to track things in general by date per se, but by things like what i was reading, watching, or hearing at the time.

so my life is measured by things like:

spacehog: in the meantime... highschool: senior
eurythmics: sweet dreams... before my parents divorced
the weakerthans: watermark... just before college and her

tom petty: free falling... dad died (in her later and more dementia ridden years my grandmother would ask if i had a father, i told her he died, and she asked how... so i responded "lead poisoning" my mom spit out her coffee... grandma didnt get it... he ate a bullet, sorry for that aside.)

or days, not dates, again no pun intended, but things like holidays, like halloween.

and how i had this real great one that i had spent with this woman who would eventually crush me in ways that im sure will make some lucky therapist very rich someday if i ever get around to it.

i was sitting there tonight and thinking that it wasnt even ten years ago that i was spending this holiday, having fun.

and not sitting alone in a fog of smoke and drowning in an ocean of people grasping my pen like wreckage trying to stay above water and i remembered a quote i heard once which i will paraphrase here.

everything i do
was more fun
when you were
doing it with me.

u2 - one

Is it getting better

Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

for my first try at spent:

http://52fridays.blogspot.com/2010/10/week-15-45-spent.html

week 15 (45): spent

2010-10-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking alot about how we spend our time here on this earth, you know... um... on it.

and how, at least for me my perception on how ive spent it.

and that when we are younger we wish to have the clout of the elder... and when youre older all you want to be is twenty-two again.
i drew this tonight the first way.
and then reversed the roles.
its bleak either way.

they say that those who do not remember their past are doomed to repeat it.

they dont say much about those who cannot let it go.

i am begining to suspect that it's probably the same outcome.

week 14 (44): racing

2010-10-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

so racing.

eye of the tiger, eye on the prize.

i had a, sadly rare, occurrence happen last night where i spent time in the company of people i know from my younger years.

a reunion guess.

it was random and we sat around and talked about nothing in true sienfield spirit, and at some point we degenerated into naming bands we liked still.

and then one of our group mentioned a band and the race was on...

it was a fast firing-round robin-hot potato-machine gun-paced game of: list bands you like before someone decides to take umbrage and then take the piss out of you for liking a band that sucks.

this was the result.

week 13 (43): spooky

2010-10-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

hmmn.

should i draw a ghost or a devil? a witch or a skeleton?

maybe a devil...

i am beginning to question the point of this exercise.

so as the three of you who come here on any sort of a regular basis know that i enjoy going to a patio here in town and have a beer as i do the daily crossword or draw in my sketch book.

i go probably three or four nights out of the week, ill have a pint and spend on average an hour with whatever project im working on.

ive said in the past that the best way to attract attention at a bar is to do something like draw, or read or basically anything but staring intently at the cup in front of you.

even headphones offer no sanctaury.

ive noticed that my... activities... at the bar attract a healthy amount of attention of female attention (that amounts to them as notmuch more than a temporary distraction) and that once in awhile i see this guy staring me down from the corner of my eye.

the man above is just the newest of the incarnations but there have been a few in the past.

these guys who arent that big, or strong, but have that crazy look in their eyes and they just perch and watch you.

fuming.

ive never called any of them on it.

a few have tried to start trouble but ive managed to get out of that.

but i have to tell you how fucking spooky it it to have someone you dont know staring that intently night after night at you, and then waiting for the other foot to drop.

week 12 (42): transportation

2010-10-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

in her later years i had to move her about, quite a bit.

and i had to hold her underneath xrays

without lead shifts.

i dont have insurance and this both itches and hurts

and im hoping is nothing more than a zit that needs to be popped

if not then i guess im on the fast track

2010-10-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

been looking at what brings people here as far as random-ass-backward-randomness.

been looking a long time now. even when i took my "sabattical."

funny that the number one hit is something that i never got any credit for.

http://52fridays.blogspot.com/2007/05/bbww-fat-wonder-woman.html

1253 9.81% bbww
801 6.27% fridays
487 3.81% she
452 3.54% its
422 3.30% cold
418 3.27% said
408 3.19% outside
351 2.75% brennan
319 2.50% patrick
274 2.14% back
246 1.93% art
158 1.24% and
155 1.21% the
154 1.21% fifty
137 1.07% two
134 1.05% fat
132 1.03% prompt
121 0.95% you
119 0.93% 52fridays
102 0.80% tears
94 0.74% this
90 0.70% birthday
79 0.62% never
79 0.62% your
76 0.59% still
76 0.59% get
73 0.57% mystery
72 0.56% woman
70 0.55% could
70 0.55% hands
68 0.53% wonder
67 0.52% that
63 0.49% for
59 0.46% where
59 0.46% post
57 0.45% apart
57 0.45% fall
56 0.44% 2007
55 0.43% may
54 0.42% funny
52 0.41% disaster
52 0.41% faster
52 0.41% start
51 0.40% beating
47 0.37% secret
47 0.37% prompts
46 0.36% raincoat
43 0.34% got
42 0.33% with
41 0.32% lasted
41 0.32% drawing

its all so meaningless...

so...

random

right?

another shot at beneath

2010-10-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

took some time tonight to make an effort to think about my life.

this is something i generally try to avoid, at least on some level.

i initially didn't really ever need to shave on what anyone could consider anything that might look like a regular basis.

i can still only barely grow a beard.

and i have found myself in the position of not being in any sort of situation requiring me to shave on a daily basis.

you would think that shaving would require more than your full attention being that you are passing a razor against your jugular but its funny how life doesn't always work that way.

so i stood there

in front of a mirror

and i shaved

and spent that time thinking about my life.

and that I'm buried

beneath

heartache
betrayal
debt
folly
loneliness
oh, and
failure.

etc...

etc...

etc...

... ad naseum.

anyway.

this had been rattling around my brain lately.

josh radin - winter

I should know who I am by now

I walk the record stands somehow
Thinking of winter.

Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown

And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake
The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow

Calling out winter

Your voice is the splinter inside me

While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth

A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait wake.

I could have lost myself in rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still.

I remember the sound.

Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait wake.

week 11 (41): beneath

2010-10-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

days like this i wish i hadnt fucked up so badly.

ive had an odd day
i guess
i got in touch with the past
people who knew me
who knew who i was

i hope i didnt disappoint.
its been 3 years and ive heard that people that i last talked to then have died.

and i wasnt there.

then again, the last person i saw die, i was pretty much the last person she talked to...

anyway.

and i was right there.

tonight

beneath a cloud covered sky

it rained

and

its been awhile since ive had a chance to lose myself in that

i stood outside and let heaven weep upon my face, my head and shoulders.

if i can't bear god's grief

then who else could?

there was something else i wanted to say but i cant remember.

anyway heres another thing that in im heart/head/ipod deep for a long time hence:

Forget me not

Those weren't your words
I'm home haven't you heard the ring?
The sound of my voice
I know it isn't much
That's why I say your name
When I fall, when I hit the bottom

Girl, play on

The boys will stay even if you're gone

Go girl, play on

The boys will stay even if you're gone

I've missed you
Those weren't your words
Seeing you became a charm
And everyday, I wish I could

Everyday...

I say your name

When I fall, when I hit the bottom

Girl, play on
The boys will stay even if you're gone
Go girl, play on
The boys will stay even if you're gone
I say your name
When I fall, when I hit the bottom
Girl, play on
The boys will stay even if you're gone
Go girl, play on
The boys will stay even if you're gone

week 10 (40): old fashioned

2010-09-30T04:13:00.000-07:00

i apologize for the illustration but once again if has left me rather uninspired as to what i can match her prompt to my life.

it cant rain all the time though, right?

(a thinly veiled reference at the crow.)

i have found myself living a life that seems to be growing smaller and smaller.

last saturday i spent an evening going through old sketch books for numbers of people that i had fallen out of touch with over the years, and in many cases only to find that they didnt answer or, the numbers were no longer valid.

so i gave up an watched movies instead.

movies on vhs. things i had not seen for ages.

and i slowly realized that one of my problems is that i am mourning a life that never really had a chance to happen.

yes i am fun and funny and great to have around at certain times but i never really figured out the every day adult life bit.

and that i was lied to by books and movies and television and subscribed to an old fashioned view of love.

i dont believe in that kind of love anymore.

if it exists its rare at best.

that antiquated idea that you live solely for another person and that they in turn complete you in some way.

i dont buy that anymore.

you might wonder about the green couch.

there are only two people on this earth who would understand the significance of that and i doubt that she remembers or even gives a fuck if she does.

i need to start posting earlier. im always bummed out at this point of the night.

in my younger and more impressionable years

2010-09-24T04:10:00.000-07:00

i read a book.

im not sure that this is correct but for some reason all i remember taking away from the great gatsby was an epic tale of self destruction.

same with catcher in the rye and one flew over the cuckoos nest.

down in flames.

anyway.

back about 12 years or so ago i used to sit on the ledge of an overpass spanning us highway 50, and watch the cars speed by at 1:30 in the morning.

later i moved to the bay area for college, and was housed, for a time, off 280 in daily city. where there was another overpass that was under construction at the time and watch people speed back and forth while i downed cans of whatever, my booted feet dangling over the late night traffic.

i know that it has been awhile since i posted and im sorry. things have been crazy in my neck of the woods here and i havent really had the chance to leave the house much. and the things that have been happening here arent funny and hardly worth remembering anyway.

tonight i decided to go out.

and did a crossword puzzle on the patio.

and there was a girl there that was trapped in the most painfully awkward conversation i have been witness to in a long time.

and she eventually latched onto me. in the sense that she focused her attention on the fact that i was multitasking and not trying to mentally or verbally rape her.
and i was clever, and funny, and she laughed.

the guy who was trying to get her gave up, belched loud enough to rattle the tables and left.

and we talked.

and slowly i realized that all this was pointless. she was nice and moderately cute but ultimately she was just empty calories.
we talked an i was trying to explain what was going on in my life and i realized that she was staying because there was no one else at the place and that i was making noise and moving around.

so i left.

the other day i heard a song, and its a song i know that i have to have heard before because i looked it up and its in a few movies that i have seen.

fair - remy zero

Hey, are you lonely?

Has summer gone so slowly?

We found the ground

And that damage was done

It's cold as you fade into the sun

Where'd you go? To me?

But you're alive!

Well, it's only

Fallen frames, they told me

You stand out, it's so loud

And so what if it is?

It's cold as you face into the wind

Where'd it go to? tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,

Where would we land?

In somebody's life

For taking his hands

Sing to me hope as she's

Thrown on the sand

All of your work

Is rated again

Where to go ?

And you were somehow the ran thing could allow

But it's all wrong

You're so strong

And this life and work

And choice took far too long

Where'd it go? tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,

Where would we land?

In somebody's life

For taking his hands

Sing to me hope as she's

Thrown on the sand

All of our work

Is rated again

When I was sure you'd follow through

My world was turned to blue so thin

When you'd hide your songs would die

So I'd hide yours with mine

And all my words were bound to fail

I know you won't fail

See, I can tell

i doubt that this is a thing that many people experience, but do you ever listen to a song and think that it would be okay if you died while it was playing? like if i listened to this than killed myself it would be fine.
or if i put it at the end of a movie that bled into the credits.
i guess its all kinda the same thing right?,
at anyrate.
i have a few.

this is one of them, maybe not top 5 but definitely top 10.

so left the patio, ditched the flat half-a-beer and fully flat conversation and drove to the overpass that i sat on back in high school and listened to that song over and over until my ass was numb from the cold concrete and i made my way back here.

so that was this day, you know, in real life.

this...

2010-09-23T04:21:00.000-07:00

this is just a heads up.

i planned on posting this about two weeks ago but life (or death more accurately) got in the way.

i HAVE NEVER once gotten in the way of any of my family members creative outlets, even though i have plenty reasons to take umbrage, like, oh i dont know, stealing ideas for a stupid play from a book called market something...

anyway.

note to everyone, this isnt about you, its about me. an you are incendentals.

im not going to lie but, well im not going to lie.

you dont want to be a part of this.. read above, and behave.

week 9 (39): acrobat

2010-09-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

so a lot of things have been happening to me lately.

many changes in my life, many conclusions drawn, many events that i have weathered. ive been thinking a lot about my life, where i am, where i want to be, and fighting this depression/ambivalence that seems to have grown a bit heavier since my grandmother died.

i know that i have ~~issues~~, no, fuck that, problems. and that over the years i have developed an almost acrobatic way of not dealing with shit. its like i keep dodging bullets and all the while theres this nuclear missile still headed towards me.

i realize that i started this project for several reasons.

one of which is that i am an incredibly lonely person at times, and that this can be a way to interact in a severely stunted and retarded sort of way. i also know that i am more likely to continue creating if i know that i have an audience, and i suppose that this is therapy.

ive never had much luck on a couch... well, i mean a therapists couch anyway, and this seems to be fulfilling some kind of service in my life i guess.

i have a few other versions of this that i may or may not get around to posting.

anyway right now i feel like im hanging from a trapeze and that i have all my baggage chained to my feet and my fingers are slipping...

... and there may or may not be a pool of sharks with frikkin' laser beams strapped to their heads swimming below me.

week 8 (38): proverb

2010-09-16T03:41:00.000-07:00

sorry its taken this long, you might say that i have had a busy week.

and now its proverb.

words to live by.

here are two.

the process of growing older is marked by a progressive series of losses.

and

to allow yourself to love is to invite heartache.

and to quote trent

everyone i love goes away in the end.

now this applies in may ways. and i guess you have to decide if its worth it or not.

monday, september 13, 2010 at 7:40pm i watched my grandmother die.

she had been having trouble breathing for the previous day or two, not really eating or taking fluids.

so there i was, just standing there watching her struggle to breathe, taking the odd deep breath and i told her that i loved her, that we all loved her, and that it was okay.

and that was it.

she was gone. one second she was there and right before my eyes she died.

so all in all, not the best of weeks.

this day in real life

2010-09-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

this was actually yesterday but there is something about drinking caronas in the sun (im sure that there is a joke in that somewhere) that makes you (read: me) feel like i actually exerted myself in a physical manner.

anyway.

2010-09-07T04:03:00.001-07:00

i had a good day today.

im still really bummed out.

dessert v.2

2010-09-07T03:48:00.000-07:00

i did this one the other night.

i thought it was cute.

you go into these things with open eyes, or you fool yourself into seeing things that arent there, or not to see things that are.

youll get your just desserts.
i guess be careful for what you wish for.

if only i could predict lottery numbers so well.

week 7 (37): dessert

2010-09-05T04:49:00.000-07:00

this was after a delicious dinner, and it was so much sweeter than pie or ice cream but in many ways far more bitter than liquorice.

eleven years ago i was taking classes at the local junior college, mostly arts and humanities. each semester was like christmas, a never ending supply of new girls that i could potentially date.

it was a very shallow time of my life.

but i was young, moderately cute, and played guitar.

there was this one art class where i sat next to this cute burnette that i developed a bit of a crush on. we became friends and since she didnt seem interested in taking things further than maybe making out once or twice (i think?) i settled for friends.

and we gradually grew apart.

then i moved to san francisco and she los angeles.

and that was that.

tonight i went to my youngest sisters house for a going away party, my cousin is moving to costa rica, and her place was swamped with people i didnt know.

so in typical patrick style, when not able to booze it up (had to drive home after all), i hide.

i had a great time hanging out with my soon to be brother in law and his buddy, we sat out back and enjoyed the cool night and talked crap about everything.

eventually they went inside, i didnt.

earlier in the evening i notices a young woman with tattoo on her neck, a stylish vintage mens hat and a pair over-sized jackie o sunglasses.

and everytime i did venture inside for some food or a coke or whatever that i kept looking at her.

i could tell that her head was shaved, and drew my own conclusions on that.

so anyway, im out on the porch sitting alone and listening to people talk at one another and she comes out and i look up and say a name followed by the upturned pitch that accompanies a "?".

and it was her.

eleven years and there she was, this person i hadn't seen in ages at this random party in a town that was nowhere near where we had met.

as we talked about our lives she told me, and im not going to go into too much detail here as i havent asked her permission to talk about it, that she got sick, and that it wasnt good.

but she was upbeat and sarcastic and irreverent. and i made her laugh, over and over.

and then i had to cut it short cause i needed to get back home in case there was grandma issues (simple fact of life, no begrudging there).

as i drove home, and then sat around drawing i felt sad, despondent, this has affected me in a way that i didnt expect, here is someone that i may have thought about six or seven times in the past decade and i feel guilty for feeling like im losing someone much closer, like i dont have a right to that sense of loss, of sadness.

maybe its because shes not even 30 until next week. maybe its because i felt something for her once.

ive been around death, but its old people, people in their 80's, thats a 50 year deficit. and thats pretty fucked up.

i guess im trying to say something that i dont really know how to articulate, i feel like im dancing around it.
it was a nice talk though.

immovable v. 2.0

2010-09-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

i had to go to the hospital, not for myself, but for a family member that can't name for fear of reprisal from my... damn, i cant say from who either.

it seems that my family has taken a token interest in my work thanks to facebook and keep telling me "dont blog this"!

aw fuck it.

we were there for my grandmother and one of my aunts, im not naming names but if youre reading this you know who you are.

anyway, i was waiting, going on my second hour in a chair that wasnt comfortable in 1993 (allergy shots, once a week when i was in my teens) when a shadow fell over me.
i looked up and this... thing, a bandage over one eye, all bruises, no neck, and a shirt that had more stains than not was staring down at me.

and he said a few odd things, i asked him to ove along, and he stayed for a few minutes before shuffling off.

then i went back to my crossword and waited for another hour.

week 6 (36): immovable v.1.0

2010-08-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

for what it may be worth the illo above was of a very attractive young woman who spent the better part of an hour complaining that her breasts were not large enough.

apparently she would not be swayed on this subject.

note: they were fine as far as i could tell... not that i was looking.

week 5 (35): atsmophere

2010-08-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

its odd that i can find myself in the middle of a crowd and and still feel so isolated. you know when you can see what your are breathing, or what you have breathed.

its odd to want to make the same mistakes over again.

this day in real life

2010-08-22T02:22:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

its not every night that there is such a surplus of drunken women in their early-to-mid twenties that one would gravitate to me.

figures she was the "jabba" of the crowd. dont get me wrong im sure she has a great personality. you know, like demanding booze from strangers and all that. funny thing was that after the exchanges she sat down opposite me and watched the crowd mill around on the patio.

didnt say another word.

this day in real life

2010-08-20T04:29:00.000-07:00

thursday nights are dollar pints and they tend to bring what could be called a crowd i guess.
but what they lack in volume of bodies they tend to make up in... um... consumption.
after this exchange someone called out: "CUT OFF"
and then her girlfriend (ie. friend that is a girl) announced: "we talk about all this shit all the time, jerk."
that said i went back to the ipod.

this day in real life

2010-08-19T04:33:00.000-07:00

i wish he was being tongue in cheek but he was dead serious.

this has been almost addressed several times here but had yet to make it.

karaoke.

it happens twice a week at the haunt and it generally consists of the same four or five people singing the same four or five songs... week after week.

its not so bad with an ipod in your ears, but on occasion the world manages to intrude.

and i always seem to notice that there is always at least one person, tonight a guy, who takes themselves way too seriously and acts like its as important as the not-important-at-all television show that is american idol .

you can tell that for them, its their time to shine.

and for the most part what they are doing isnt shining but something different that begins with an "s".

this day in real life... and a game

2010-08-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

go ahead and match the quote with the person. the answers might suprise you.

1. god it's been so long, i've been craving cock all month
2. im not gay but i'd totally fuck him/her (could be either)
3.do you think mcdonalds is still open
4. no i can't drink, if i start i won't stop, i can kill 3 pitchers, no problem.

this day in real life (redux)

2010-08-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

this day in real life

2010-08-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

now has its own blog!

if you want to participate all you have to do is let me know.

its like twitter... only worse... and with pictures.

this was earlier:

(click to enlarge image)

i came into this conversation late in the game, my ipod died and raidohead was replaced by the end of this conversation.

whatever was said next was said after the went inside fro another round and was out of earshot.

it was an... awkward moment tho, i assume that he had mentioned if he was fired before i picked up on the story but the glances his friends traded were priceless.

this day in real life

2010-08-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge image)

so
as i battle through yet another day, only to discover that people that are doing nothing at all, or are doing as much but for some reason are being paid while i am not, not that its a thing tha would keep me from helping (apparently), i find myself a bit. bitter.
so today i was peed on, a milky (yes urine can be milky, like a melted wendy's frosty) and shit on when you tried to tell... someone that your grandmother was NOT ready to get up off the portible toilet, and you pick her up despite your better judgement and you have to deal with a heavier than she should be 90-year-old who goes limp and then deficates.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

for sale... serious.

2010-08-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

i needs the money

9x12 acrylic on canvas
unframed but then i dont know how youve decorated your habitat.

i probably wont live all that long so its a good chance that this will only go up im value.

random

2010-08-15T02:52:00.000-07:00

just something i sketched out earlier.

it made me smile.

and again

2010-08-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

this one is a sketch that i might develop further later this week.

its a memory i have from around six or seven years ago.

its about laying down on my moms driveway on summer break with a few caronas and a girl that i loved very much.

funny how i remember this moment so clearly, and that it still hurts not being with her.

star gazing... yet again

2010-08-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

(click image to enlarge)

another sketch i had done last night
i wasnt going to post this one but then i kept reading and couldnt help myself.

so here it is.

week 4 (34): star gazing

2010-08-14T05:24:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

one take.

i might have more in me.

not overly inspired by this weeks topic.

this day in real life

2010-08-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

the irony is that it wasnt.

so i couldnt sleep so heres the other one

i went out, and sat at a table and waited for something to happen.

and

a very... inebriated young woman started an argument that stained was a good band.

and not just stained but their song "its been awhile"

another girl subscribed to a different world view.

and things escalated

fast

ending with a young woman getting, and i quote, "attacked wolverine style" which involved getting her tank top torn to shreds and her breast hanging out for the world to see.

funny thing is all i thought as i saw this, aside from "well thats going onto the internet", was that the guy she was with had a hoodie on that he could have (and didnt but he did cheer) let her wear to cover up in the five minutes before they eventually left.

caged 2.0

2010-08-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

i was thinking about how, at least in my experience at least, that i have found myself trapped in relationships that were not... working.

and both parties let it go on far longer than it should have simply because they didnt want to be alone.

if that isnt a cage then i dont know what is.

this day in real life

2010-08-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

i actually have two experiences for TDIRL but im going to hold off on one of them.

it seems that i tend to hit the local grocery store about once a day to pick up various things for the family, and i usually end up there around ten thirty or eleven at night.

and each and nearly every time i step out of my car to walk through those automatic doors i see this guy camped out on the patio table near the soda machine playing mmorpgs... again, outside, at night, basically every night.

and it always confused the hell out of me.

until i realized tonight that the grocery store has free wi-fi and that he probably doesnt have the internet where he lives.

its also funny to note that i draw differently with different types of medias.

this day in real life

2010-08-09T02:27:00.000-07:00

so this was actually said earlier tonight. she was drinking what looked to be romulan ale and talking so loud that i heard this gem over my ipod.

she also said something about reverse cowgirl.

and no, this comment sadly was not aimed at me.

week 4 (34): caged

2010-08-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

caged

pretty cut and dry, right?

you draw some bars, you draw a zoo, maybe a tiger or a parrot.

i was thinking about depression, it confines you, it keeps you from doing anything, its like youre trapped.

and that even knowing that you were facing this you still have no idea as to how to fix it.

to fight it.

like being in a box, underwater, with a key...

and no idea where the lock is.

i drew this several times, i might just have to repost.

this day in real life

2010-08-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

so this one was...
disturbing.

i went out for roughly an hour earlier tonight and paid witness to what should have been, someone hitting bottom.

i expect to see her doing more of the same next week.

she was "over served" as they put it and kept walking guys out to their cars. at one point people on the patio called out " blow me next baby".

and she kept coming back.

until she was kicked out of the bar, and the "cut off" bell was rang over the unfortunate soundtrack of lady gaga.

it was then that she made her declaration.

and then like batman, she disappeared into the night... sans the crime fighting and cool outfit.

oh and the panties around her ankle, were not not soaked in blood, but anticlimactically simply red (just red, no 80's band pun intended).

another swing at artificial

2010-08-05T03:39:00.000-07:00

about as artificial as i could think of.

this day in real life

2010-08-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

and in today's installment of things that I've overheard:

(click to enlarge)

she didn't seem drunk, she did seem very angry and he looked both upset and confused at the same time oh and unsteady on his feet to boot... no pun intended, he was wearing vans, i checked).

rather than listen to his response, i cranked the itouch up and started committing the moment to the sketch pad.

it was perfect enough as it was.

they ended up leaving a few minutes later.

week 3 (33): artificial

2010-08-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

i know that you cant have vacations if you dont work.

but i never had one when i did work so today is what i count as an artifical vacation.

i got to go play cards with my soon to be brother-in-law and have an all around good time/afternoon/evening.

it helped keep all the crap that is going on in my life at bay for a few hours so for that im thankful.

this day in real life

2010-08-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

so i was out earlier tonight in hopes that i would overhear somthing that would merit me taking the time to draw and post here for your (hopefully) amusment.

i think i might have hit a infield home run here, if nothing else its a triple.

ok it was karoke night and the place is "packed" and im out on the patio, along with several groups of people who are loudly drinking themselves retarded.

yes, i said retarded.

one of the tables i noticed is surrounded by three young women and covered in several empty glasses of something that way once blue and more than likely, flammable...

no this isnt a story of somone catching themselves on fire at a bar... although i do have a story about that.

no this is a story of a classic freudian slip.

at one point in the evening one of the girls at the forementioned table lurches to her feet and yells at the top of her lungs:

(click to enlarge)

but the damage was done and everyone had heard her...

its funny how silence can make a sound of its own.

2 colors... not counting black white or gray.

2010-07-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

last night i went outside, after a day of dealing with not only helping to look after (read: picking up, moving her from chair to toilet to chair and back again, then trying to get water into her) my poor grandmother (seriously, honestly, in a humane, patient and loving way) but also with the ex showing up at my house at three thirty in the morning while my aforementioned grandmother, plus my mother, and cousin (looking after my grandmother for the night) were obviously sleeping, she (the ex) decided that ringing the doorbell was a good idea.

anyway

we had another dialogue that illustrated how things are basically irreconcilable and that apparently i... only focus on the negative.

heh, go figure.

and i said that i cant go from being something more to somthing less.

that i cant go from being the boyfriend to being the friend

so after she talked at me for the better part of an hour about how she isnt in love with me anymore but still cares, she went home.

and i went back inside for a minute.

then i decided to go back outside and saw the moon hanging low on the horizon.

a harvest moon that was as big as your fist.

or thumb.

its all relative.

here learn something.

moon

this day in real life

2010-07-29T03:00:00.000-07:00

okay so once again i was doing a crossword puzzle with my ipod blaring into my earphones on a patio outside a bar on a warm enough night when i happen to look up from the table to see another group of people at a table next to mine.

and one of the guys in the group was pointing at me, and saying something...

now i say something because i cant hear a word thats being said, earphones and all, right?

so i unplug and theres apparently a debate as to what they were talking about, did it or did it not cause me to look up.

it hadnt, just a coincidence

but one of the women decided to let me in via a recap.

they were talking about waxing their pubic hair, and what kind of grooming they, well, did.

i didnt see them naked but i feel that due to their graphic descriptions i could probably draw a pretty good representation... dont worry i wont.

anyway, after the first chick screamed to the gods themselves that she had more hair on her, um, "pooter" when she was nine than she did now and that while brazilian waxes hurt like a "mother fucker" (and then turned to spit, which landed on another chair) they were so worth it.

and this guy chimes up...

at that point i sketched it out and knew that it was time to call it a night.

oh and it was karoke night, the girls went with "i kissed a girl"

katie perry
not
jill sobule

no fucking justice in this universe.

so...

2010-07-29T02:40:00.000-07:00

i havent cut my hair for... several months.

this is a new thing and my lovely flaxen tresses have never been as long as are right now.
the other day i woke up having had a restless night and switching to one of those memory foam pillows... you know, like the nasa guys use.

anyway i was brushing my teeth and i looked into the mirror and realized that i looked like a tired not buffed wolverine.

first thought... that cant be good.

and yes i had the towel up that high, the air conditioning was on.

so this is what is left...

2010-07-25T03:21:00.000-07:00

i was standing in line at safeway earlier, around midnight, and realized that it was saturday night... and that i was standing in line, alone, at a grocery store.

and it hit me that ive apparenty entered another phase of my life, those moments of: oh, thats how this is now... so... um... ok.

and another little part of me died inside.

but hey, because i used my safeway club card i saved $3.45

so not a complete wash.

week 2 (32): double v.2

2010-07-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

so, i know i did this already but i feel like i cheated, i had nothing the other night for double and decided to use a post that i had done the night before citing 2 years as the link to the topic.

i mean if that had been the angle then that would have been fine its just that i feel like i forced into a hole that it wasnt meant to be put.

and so i went out and sat out in the pleasant summer nights air and thought about double.

and brainstormed 3 11x17 pages worth of possibilities.

was interrupted twice by people who dont understand that you have a sketch pad out AND ear buds in because you do NOT want to interact in a social manner or answer the creative and original question of, so you draw huh?

but i digress.

in the latter years of my stay in the city of san francisco some of my more loyal readers might recall that i dated a woman who, when i met her, had a daughter that was in her first year or so...

anyway i was around for more than a few years and had a hand at parenting and all that good stuff, i introduced her to poprocks at three.

anyway, she liked her dipping sauces be it ranch, ketchup, catsup, bbq, or nacho cheese, and tended to use the thing in which you dip as a utensil, not actually eating the carrot or the chip but licking the dip off and going for another round.

at one point i had to watch her for her mother and took her to dinner and she goes for the double dip so i stopped her to explain that its okay to double dip if youre not sharing but if youre sharing the rule is one chip per dip, i think she was three at the time.

fast forward to the ending days of that relationship i had her again while her mom took a class and we ended up at a tacobell sharing nachos, she would be around five or so now, and she dipped a nacho into the cheese and proudly announced: 'one chip per dip!'

i hadnt heard her say that before and its had been 2 years since i had told it to her.

it makes me think of the times when i talked to my mom about how i handled things or said things or sang things in situations and she would say thats how she did it with me.

and i stopped feeling as clever as i had felt, having no memory of her having done so.

i dont have any children and i dont think that i am going to, it just makes me wonder if some of what i tried to teach her will live on.

heh.

at best guess that kid is pushing 10 years old by now, double digits, an actual person.

god i miss that kid.

week 2 (32): double

2010-07-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

originally going to be titled "shit that changed"

but im classy and couldnt let that happen.

*ahem*

so i know its been over two years since i posted on anything resembling a regular basis, and when i went back and read the previous volumes i realized that those of you who were loyal, ardent followers of my blog, and... well sadly those who stopped by on accident as well, probably knew more about what was going with me and my life better than my family does (no, as far as my online tracking shows, my ex has shown more interest by way of hits than anyone i share, blood with. for a family of readers, when it comes to what i have to say, interested? not so much.)

anyway.

im going to list some of things that have changed in my life, id like you to imagine... lets go with eye of the tiger...

NO WAIT!

think: jessies girl...

aw yeah

for this eighties inspired text based montage of my last two years.

im now 31

ive put on a few pounds

ive come to terms with in and out burger and now like their fries

i owe a lot of student debt

that the "education" it "provided" was nothing between quotes

i have an itouch

id like an ipad

i no longer have three jobs

i no longer have a job

my grandmother is going to die soon

like any week now

i quit smoking

i miss smoking

i really miss smoking

i quit smoking cause the girl said she was going to leave me if i didnt

i did

she left anyway

oh, im single

i stopped drinking coffee

i have no social life

ive fallen in love with flo, the woman form the progressive insurance commercials

ive have to reload windows... twice

i hate vista

i hate xp worse

my sister became a doctor

shes getting married

im finally getting a brother

i grew a proper beard

that i was peer-pressured into shaving off

i discovered something called "porn" on the internet

and than... er... blame

al gore.

watched hot tub time machine

saw the finales of three of my favorite tv shows

and im sure that there us much more but its getting late and this wine wont drink itself

tell you what, ill risk soul crippling depression by asking for auidence participation only to discover that i have no auidence, but if you have any questions, ask, and youll more than likely get an answer, pershaps in the form of a comic post.

huh... the axe?

thats for the zombies... oh, yeah there are zombies running around now, didnt i mention that?

Posted

this day in real life

2010-07-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

so i was out last night when...

click to read

coming soon

2010-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

at some point in the near future i plan on posting a list of things in my life that have chanceged since i stopped blogging roughly two years ago...

you may start holding your breath.

...

2010-07-22T01:51:00.000-07:00

i have no idea where this came from save that i was out earlier and bored and uninspired and was just sketching on random pieces of paper trying to ignore the noise from a group of kids who were not taught how to act in a civilized manner while in public eateries.

god that made me sound old.

i was just thinking of a robot hugging a cat too hard.

this is bound to piss-off cat lovers.

communication: monday art day

2010-07-21T03:07:00.000-07:00

dont know where this came from, i was sitting alone on a patio and just let my pencil do its thing.
originally the respons was: "don't bother, my modem's down"

i think i like it better this way.

and there there is this...

it was going to be a triptic at first

him texting "i love you" to her

her responding... and then

him getting the text "so what?"

there were other ideas, one of two people sitting on a couch and obvioulsly not talking, i was thinking about how, in my experience anyway, that by the time you really do need to communicate is around the time that things are rapidly approaching the point of no return or, as it were, the end.

its funny how people can talk about nothing, ideas, hypothetics, for two years and then let something supposedly as important as their futures fall apart because...

well i guess because there was nothing real to talk about.

trying to get back into the rhythm of posting on a regular basis...

and running into all sorts of liitle kinks that i have to rework once yet once again...

week 1 (31): breakfast

2010-07-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

just a doodle

and now

i guess that this, what, relaunch(?) is a sort if breaking of a fast.

i havent really drawn for about two years.

it wasnt intentional, i think that things kept coming up and i fell behind and out of practice.

and im sorry, this blog, sadly or not has been one my greater achievements in life and i abandoned it for... something less, and ultimately a waste of time.

i blame myself, and in part, the last... girl. she was a poor distraction at best and i suspect in retrospect was just another tool for my subconscious to fuck up my life.

when i met her i thought she was different from the usual types i gravitated towards in the past.

she wasnt, she just hid her damage better than the others.

as i get older i realize that as much as id like to sum up the complex "miracle" that is life or the "onus" of the human condition in some trite or inane truism, that i cant... still the impulse makes me try.

hence

there are two types of people in the world those who eat breakfast and those who dont... and those two should never date.

that and ive come to realize that i can be somewhat of an ass, so there.

oh,

one more thing.

ive lost a lot since i stopped this blog.

ive learned that getting older, at some point life stops being about gaining things, and starts becoming a... living tribute to what you have lost.

people-family-jobs-habits-days of my life-bottles of whatevers cheapest...

breakfast used to be a cigarette, now its usually just dinner.

i dont eat much these days.

ive prolly posted this before but hell its been awhile...

brighteyes - ive been eating (for you)

so i'm just a medicine
you take when you're sick
you get well and that's it
i'm put back
on the shelf in your mirror
and it isn't exeptional
the course of our fate
cuz people love and they hate
and i guess
it's just our turn to hate.
yeah you were just some song i wrote
a poem on a page
a sculpture i made
out of clay -
desire was the flame.
but now you're more of a basketball
boys just pass you around
they bounce you hard on the ground
and dribble
then we all get high 5's.
and you think i'm an asshole now
well you're probably right
but at least i'm not blind to the fact
i've been wishing were lies.
but still i hope you get everything
that you care to possess
and unbelievable sex
with him
or any one of my friends.
but just don't ask about my appetite
i didn't lose it tonight
it's been gone half my life
it's just i
i've been eating for you.

good news nobody

2010-07-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

its looking like this blog will soon no longer be defunct. i apologize for the neglect and plan on posting again in the very near future.

be sure to tell your friends as i will have to build my "social network" all over again...

week 30: stitch

2008-01-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

i actually finished this one a few days ago but have been too busy to post it earlier than now, which is a shame, ill try and get better at posting regularly, i just have so much going on right now its not even funny.

back to the prompt.

this last new years will be one of the top three new years eves that ive had so far. usually they are disappointing anti-climatic and lame.

now id like to say that i didnt black out or anything but i have had to stitch the events together with a little help, especially towards the end, id also like to mention that i do remember the drive home (i was the passenger thank you very much) and getting into bed.

this year i went with the girl to a "lesbian new years party" named for the fact that that the majority of her friends play for the "other" team so to speak. the experience has only further confirmed that i seem to get along really well with women of that orientation.

we played a drinking game involving shots of vodka, champaign, beer, wine?... um not too sure at this point maybe rum?

and then the new year came in and we became an after school special.

we were all pretty drunk and had just come out of a group wrestling match, when someone prodused a box of fireworks.

which we then went out and set off.

it wasnt until a day or two later that we stopped and thought about how very very reckless that was, and asked the question, how did no one lose a finger...

drunken poor aside it was a great night and wonderful fragmented memory.