9/12/06

topic #19: voice

this is one of those prompts that hit me right away. it was the thing that came to mind the second i read this weeks topic... voice.

this is about god, or rather, god and i.

ive had a very... conflicted relationship with religion and spirituality. i was raised catholic and when i was younger, i truly believed, i wanted to be the most pious person i could be, i even thought that one day i might become a priest. i really wanted to believe.

then i got older and things... happened in my life that made me question and abandon these beliefs, i couldnt imagine a god that would let things like that happen, and worse i didnt want to imagine a god that could.

i would have to say that this all came to a boiling point one christmas eve several years ago. i had just lost someone who i had loved with all my heart, i was unhappy, i was sick of living, especially in light of the decisions that i had made and where they had led me, and i was more than a little bit drunk.

it was sometime around two in the morning and i walked outside and screamed at god until my throat was raw and i collasped in the street not caring if any cars might be coming.

and then i just put the words out there, i lay there and i prayed for the first time in years.

i dont think that ive every really given up on some belief that there is some higher power or energy, and i dont really know if it is even aware of us. i used to joke that yelling at god is like yealling at your shadow, only difference is that you know that your shadow really exists... and you get the same results either way.

last night i walked out onto the fire escape and prayed for the first time in about a year. im not really sure what i said, it was mostly feelings, and focusing on how i am going to get through the problems/obsticles/setbacks that i am facing in life, and i think it helped.

so thats the image that came to mind when i saw voice.
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