week 50: sleep

the last time i wrote about this topic, it was 2011. So much has changed in my life since then, you can view that post here. Sleep has always been difficult for me, for years i did with little, later i drank until i was able to pass out. these days i try to do my best to get what i can, without the aid of substances. it still comes with great difficulty.

going back and reading the 2011 post really shows how unhealthy everything was, and how amazing it was that i wouldn't let myself acknowledge that, perhaps i should say, rather, that i am amazed by how resigned i was to where i was and the relatively short path on which i was heading.

some things don't change, i still see sleep as a preparation for death, and although i have no real reason to believe it, i have come to hope that when we die, we get to live in the best moments of our lives, which would be incentive enough to try and accrue as many of those moments as we can, i could see how not having any of those moment would be something akin to hell, to move on and be stuck in that misery forever.

i've thought about this a lot over the years. as i am getting older i have begun to lose people, some - like my grandparents are bittersweet, i miss them, but they had long and happy lives. my father, who decided to pack it in, did so at a time when i was too young. and i have had friends, my age, who have died for some reason or another, all of these i pray for every night before i fall asleep.

this has been a long road, there have been many changes in my life since i began this whole thing back in 2006. another volume is coming to a close, i'm in the process of deciding what to do with this project, if it has run it's course or should move on to volume five.


I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine, some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

week 49: noise

just a little thing i did for the woman i love


week 48: invention

the pen, or pencil... proof that they are, or can, be mightier than the sword.  So much so that oppression resort to fighting them with guns and bullets - and they still lose.

this isn't a holy war.
don't bring God into this,
this is fucking murder. 

earlier this week in paris:

Wednesday, a black Citroen C3 drove up to the Charlie Hebdo building in Rue Nicolas-Appert. Two masked gunmen, dressed in black and armed with Kalashnikov assault rifles got out and approached the offices.
They burst into number 6, Rue Nicolas-Appert, before realising they had the wrong address. They then moved down the street to number 10 - where the Charlie Hebdo offices are on the second floor.
Once inside, the men asked maintenance staff in reception where the magazine's offices were, before shooting caretaker Frederic Boisseau, 42.
One of the magazine's cartoonists, Corinne Rey, described how she had just returned to the building after picking up her daughter from day care when the gunmen threatened her, forcing her to enter the code for the keypad entry to the newsroom on the second floor - where a weekly editorial meeting was taking place.
The men asked for the paper's editor Stephane Charbonnier, known as Charb, by name before opening fire and killing the editor and his police bodyguard, Franck Brinsolaro. They also shot dead seven other journalists and a guest attending the meeting.
Witnesses said they heard the gunmen shouting "We have avenged the Prophet Muhammad" and "God is Greatest" in Arabic ("Allahu Akbar") while calling out the names of the journalists.
Twelve people were killed in the attack on the Charlie Hebdo offices: eight journalists, two police officers, a caretaker and a visitor.
From left: Economist Bernard Maris, cartoonists Georges Wolinski, Jean "Cabu" Cabut, Stephane "Charb" Charbonnier,  Bernard "Tignous" Verlhac and Philippe Honore and Michel Renaud.From left: Economist Bernard Maris, cartoonists Georges Wolinski, Jean "Cabu" Cabut, Stephane "Charb" Charbonnier, Bernard "Tignous" Verlhac and Philippe Honore and Michel Renaud.
  • Charlie Hebdo editor and cartoonist Stephane "Charb" Charbonnier, 47, who had been living under police protection since receiving death threats
  • Cartoonists Jean "Cabu" Cabut, 76, Bernard "Tignous" Verlhac, 57, Georges Wolinski, 80, and Philippe Honore, 73
  • Economist and regular magazine columnist Bernard Maris, 68, known to readers as Uncle Bernar
  • Mustapha Ourrad, proof-reader
  • Elsa Cayat, psychoanalyst and columnist, the only woman killed
  • Michel Renaud, who was visiting from the city of Clermont-Ferrand
  • Frederic Boisseau, 42, caretaker, who was in the reception area at the time of the attack
  • Police officers Franck Brinsolaro, who acted as Charb's bodyguard, and Ahmed Merabet, 42, who was shot dead while on the ground
    from w

    -please feel free to use these icons for your personal use in support of freedom of expression and in memory of Charlie Hebdo and the eleven others who lost their lives.-


week 47: sea

come back tomorrow for the text entry for this weeks post, i have a lot of things that i plan on writing about and only twenty minutes to get to work.

i haven't been to the ocean in a long time. even when i lived in san francisco, i rarely went. in retrospect it strikes me as a little odd that there was so much to do and see and i didn't take the opportunity to make the most of them. i may be getting a little ahead of myself here though.

those times i have stood on the shores of the ocean i have been moved in a way that i can only describe as religious, i mean not exactly that, but the way that i get the feeling some people get when they talk about god. there in front of me is something so vast, so powerful, that i am overwhelmed by it's enormity, and for some reason i am affected by this in a way that even the endless night sky fails to impress.

a few days ago i had one of those moments where something in my universe shifts by a degree and things come into focus, i was able to see or at least begin to articulate something that i have danced around for as long as i've been writing in this blog. it is the beginning of a lesson that has taken me nearly thirty-six years to learn and has been part of most of the problems i have created for myself over my life.

that the fear of the enormity of choice, of commitment, of perfection has kept me from truly trying.
i'm not sure if i'm really using the right words here but its like the idea of what i think i should be capable of and failing that ideal, opting out. to quit or surrender without putting forth my best effort because i "know" it won't be what "think" it should be... 

i think what i mean is that essentially i have been so afraid of what might or what ought that i have missed out kept myself from experiencing what is, and what might have been if i had just tried.

i'm not sitting here bemoaning the loss like i have done all those years, i just acknowledge that i might have made more out of those years. what is important is that i can make a decision to make the most of the years i have ahead.

i have been so selfish, so afraid, so afraid.

it has been several months since my last post here, in that time i have found employment, i have returned to school to finish my degree, i have built a relationship with myself, with those that i love.

and yes it can be hard.

earlier this week i was working on a final project and was not nearly as done as i wanted to be. i simply got as much as i could finished and went to class the next day, turned it in, and am waiting on the results. i know that this might sound like no big deal, and maybe it isn't, but in the past id have medicated, not gone to class, not turned in a project that wasn't some perfect polished and unrealistically ambitious product.

the point is that i chose to participate, i didn't shut down, close off and give up.

and for me that is something that would have been as alien to me as would be breathing water.

These songs aren't hidden messages, at least not intentionally, these songs are reminders to myself to let myself, well. 

These remind me that i have wasted enough time not letting myself live.

"Love is not determined in the distance of flesh but in the position of the heart. Mine will always be with you."

"We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow" - Soko
Give me all your love now
'Cause for all we know
We might be dead by tomorrow
I can't go on wasting my time
Adding scars to my heart
'Cause all I hear is
"I'm not ready now"
And I can tell
That you didn't had
To face your mother
Losing her lover
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
'Cause she didn't had time
I don't want to judge
What's in your heart
But if you're not ready for love
How can you be ready for life?
How can you be ready for life?
So let's love fully
And let's love loud
Let's love now
'Cause soon enough we'll die

"The Book Of Love" - The Magnetic Fields

The book of love is long and boring No one can lift the damn thing It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing but I, I love it when you read to me and you, you can read me anything The book of love has music in it In fact that's where music comes from Some of it is just transcendental Some of it is just really dumb but I, I love it when you sing to me and you, you can sing me anythingThe book of love is long and boring and written very long ago It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes and things we're all too young to know but I, I love it when you give me things and you,
you ought to give me wedding rings 
I, I love it when you give me things and you,
you ought to give me wedding rings

applewood asiago and bleu


week 46: fragile

for as long as i can remember i have lived in fear. i have reacted to every new crisis, challenge, or consequence, that has presented itself in my life. i know that i am not unique in this, but the point is that instead of assessing the situation, consider my options, and make an informed plan of action i have basically jumped from one frying pan into another, after another, and eventually into the fire, where, once there, proceeded in running around in circles spreading flames around as i panicked.

there have been many things that i have come to learn over the past few years - one being that there are things that i no longer have the luxury of indulging anymore.

the fragile balance between hope and despair, the urge to quit when things dont work out as i had expected. immersing myself in my depression, nurturing the ennui and dystopic world view i had come to expect every time i woke up or ran out of drink. heh, even that isn't entirely accurate either - those same attitudes were there in my dreams and in my cups.

i find myself fighting these old mindsets, mindsets that helped me cope with life, kept me alive - until eventually nearly killing me.

its like dragging a shadow, or carrying around a half shed skin, and the part underneath - me - is soft and  and hasn't been exposed to anyone like this in over twenty years.

so small steps.

the depression probably will never go away but i can try to work my through those times without wallowing in it, perseverance, in things (important things anyway) that are not always easy, and might take a lot of work to realize.

i can hold a hand and know that it's no longer the had a drowning man grips to in desperate fear for his life, but a hand of an equal - one that can be warm and loving and occasionally lends support to keep me steady, and to know that my hand is doing the same for her.

i no longer want to fix or save, but listen and assist as requested.

it's a lot of things really.

but i can't be fragile anymore, i cant fall apart anymore. i need to be that person i was meant to be. i have seen parts of him over the years and i know that those times where i felt any sort of pride in myself it was that "me" showing through.

That's What's Up - Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros
I'll be the church, you be the steeple.
You be the King, I'll be the people.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind.
While I was being such a wreck, I thought you'd treat me unkind.
But you helped me change my mind.
I'll be the sun, you be the shining.
You be the clock, I'll be the timing.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind.
While I was feeling so upset, I thought the sun never shine.
Then I found Forever
Hey! Hey! love!
We've been best friends forever darling.
That's' what's up!
No matter what!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
That's what's up!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
No matter what!
You be the book, I'll be the binding.
You be the words, I'll be the rhyming.
While I was feeling such a wreck, I thought of losing my mind.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought the sun never shine.
You be the bird, I'll be the feather.
We'll be the best of friends forever.
While I was feeling such a mess I thought you'd leave me behind.
When I was feeling such a wreck, I thought you'd treat me unkind.
Then I found
Forever! And Always!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days!
Come with me!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days
All of our days
Love is a shelter.
Love is a cause.
Love goes on forever.
Yeah, Love will leads us all.
Love! It is our honor.
Love! It is our all.
Love goes on forever.
Yeah, Love it is our home.
Oh yeah!
Yeah! That's what's up!
Oh yeah!
That's what's up!
Yeah That's what's up!

video here

video Lennon and Maisy cover here