week 40:survival

there was a lot that i was going to say here but i ran out of time. 

"...and i guess it's just as well, cause i miss your face like hell." The Head and the Heart - Rivers and Roads.


week 38: twisted

the last two weeks have been, difficult. the last several months actually have been extremely trying. i thought that i was ready to talk about what i've been going through, but i haven't really been able to get it down in a coherent manner, and i have a bit more work left on moving through this unpleasantness. 

i have been stressed, anxious, depressed and more, and oddly enough,  while i don't want to face and feel what i have been, i haven't been tempted to medicate myself the way i did for so many years and that's something i guess.

still, this whole "life" thing... it isn't fair and it isn't easy. 

i know that this has been incredibly self-indulgent, and for that, i apologize.


week 37: disguise

i remember sitting in a bar one night shortly after my twenty-second birthday. i had come back home from college and it was this first time i had visited that place since i had left.

i was sitting by myself, with a pitcher of beer and a notebook, writing things down and sketching when i noticed that some of the kids from a year below me in high school had entered the bar.

i was in a back corner and i doubt they noticed me but i wrote down, "it would seem that i am slowly running out of places to hide."

the reason this struck me the way that it had was that as soon as i was legally able to, i traded the coffee shop/denny's scene and started haunting the two or three bars in town. i had "enjoyed" about a year of not having to interact with people that i was tired of being around.

i was asked a few months ago about when it was exactly that things in my life had tipped over and started the path of self-destruction that i had followed to present. i don't think i really know. what i do know is that i remember the exact moment i gave up.

i was in class, it was an animation lab i think and it was the  week after thanksgiving break. i had been going through a devastating break up and i was in so much depression and pain that the only thing i could think to do was go down to the corner during a break and buy a bottle of vodka. i was sitting at my station, the light board turned off and the piles of papers stacked next to the bottle i had bought and i thought to myself: "fuck it, it's on."

that was the first day of basically thirteen straight years of daily and nightly drinking with few exceptions, and those exceptions were not pleasant nights..

i have come to believe that no matter how hard or long someone might try to hide, the world eventually finds them.

for years i had hidden behind books, sarcasm, smoking, indifference, sex, guitars, and drinking. all of these things that i presented with a smile and sometimes even a confidence i never truly felt. i could be surrounded by people and always somehow felt alone. i felt that the suit was wearing me.

today has been a pretty difficult day.

i am going through several very painful things and i want so badly to fall apart. i feel that dull ache in my throat, i feel tears that wont come burning behind my eyes and i cant seem to breathe properly. today i have fought the urge to sleep. today i know that doing something like buying a bottle and saying "fuck it" once again will not solve anything, in fact, i know that it would be a very short and messy trip, but still there is that part of me that wants to give in and just be done with everything.

all the songs that i usually use to try and wrap myself in aren't working tonight.

i'm sorry that this is such a depressing entry but i just cant keep this mask on any longer today, i'm just too tired.


week 36: search

every once in awhile i get asked questions about what i post here, more often than not, those questions are along the lines of  "who is the girl."

i suppose that there are a few of you out there who might think you know who she is, and that answer would vary depending on the person and the time in my life that they knew me - but i'm pretty sure no one person really would get it right. mostly, because she isn't any one person.

i remember thinking in highschool that there was some woman out there that i loved so much that i would one day want to spend the rest of my life with her, and that i just hadn't met her yet. an maybe that's true. over the years i had thought i'd found her a few times but, well... yeah. now, this isn't to say that i hadn't, but i can see how my gradual decline into the unmanageable chaos that became my life had at least an equal part in those relationships failures.

i was, and still am to some degree, a mess.

so to answer that question, she's different people, sometimes influenced by experience and other times hope.

one of the things that i like about this blog is that i really haven't had to fabricate anything, that these posts are based in actual events. these are moments, sometimes very personal moments that i share here, and i'm not entirely sure why.

i wrote once, a few years ago, that i had entered the phase of life where life stops giving you things and begins to take them away. i don't think that i was completely wrong in that observation, but i was
sick, soul sick and getting ready to die when i wrote that. i know now that there is hope, and that life has more in store for me. that loss is the price you must pay for the experience. all those gifts, those moments, those women, all of those things that i miss so very fucking much, that the pain and sadness i feel from their absence, that it had been up to me to make those experiences worth the cost. something i never really took into account until now.

for a long time i sought to define myself in terms of what i was in relation to something, be it friends, loves, alcohol, or any number of things. i never really wanted to look too deep into the real problems, and while i explored the darker parts of my soul, i did so with one eye closed and a flashlight that worked intermittently. yes, i knew that those places where there, that those things were real, but i figured as long as i could keep running everything would be okay. and it was. for a long time it was.

i don't know.

sometimes, she's even a little part of me. i don't know if that makes any sense but it's true.

The Everybodyfields - Lonely Anywhere

I'm sorry
You're angry good night
Good bye

But we need to keep looking into…
Each other's eyes,
Even though it hurts to see the one you love
I can't help decide

Start writing
Make a list of your plans for the year

And send me a little note in the mail
When my name appears on your list
Of things to do
If you ever can see past you
I'll keep some days clear

And I can be lonely here
Yes I can be lonely anywhere

And I can be lonely here
And I can be---, lonely

You're walking
You walk out of the room
And everywhere

I'm talking
You're looking through me
With a blank stare
And I can't help but ask if today would be my last
Would you care?

And I can be lonely here
And I can be lonely anywhere
Yes I can be lonely
And I can be--, lonely

I still haven't found what I'm looking for - U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...