11/11/10

afterwards v.3

so now i get serious... ish.

when i was a younger person, i went through a phase when i took a camera around and took pictures of every one and thing that i found, well... worth taking note of.

and this was still in the days of film, not the easy digital age of photography.

there was a certain effort involved, or financial investment (past buying the camera and memory stick and the time it takes to pirate photoshop of some alt.web mirror.)

back then you had to buy film, and make every shot count, because developing that film wasnt as easy as plugging in a usb cord.

ill stop beating that dead horse now.

i noticed that at some point around 2006 that i started making a subconscious (at the time) effort at staying out of photographs.

later it became more overt.

i see a camera pointed at me and i freak out, i realized that one of the last photos of me was taken new years 05/06 with K at this bar in san fran with a huge bear totem standing outside.

and thats when it hit me.

i think that i dont want any physical record to exist of this time of my life.

im unhappy
lonely
poor
fatter than i should be...

its just not a time i want to be living in let alone remember on the off chance (fingers crossed) that i pull out of this.

as to the illo.

i spent the last three years or so of my life with a woman that i had planned on being with and i have not one photograph of us together, i have in the last three years lost my grandparents and that someone i loved and have nothing in the way of a snapshot to look at and remember.

im okay with that, for the most part.

because if i dont have anything to remind me of what was i dont have to miss it as much afterwards.

or at least it will be easier to forget.
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