9/4/12

and sometimes you get an answer


this happened at the end of july, i drew and wrote about it at the time, but i wasnt really ready to share it then, i had some thinking to do.

id like to say that i have come to easy terms with this but i would be lying.


 the day had been a long day.
it had started a little after eight in the morning and lasted until around six that night. we were out in the hundred degree weather doing a massive yard overhaul, pulling down trees, tangles of vines, and rotting wooden structures. we dragged load after load of thorny branches from seemingly endless piles to the truck, and dealt with difficult personalities, to be fair, im sure that i wasnt the most pleasant person to work with that day either.
both my sisters and my brother in law (for all intents and purposes) came up the hill to help with the task, i really have to say that despite the heat and everything else, my family, immediate and extended really stepped up as they always do and together we were unstoppable.

yes it sucked but between everyone, we were able to complete the task.

and the back yard is beautiful.

one of the things that i love about my family is that i know that i can trust and depend on them, no matter what.

im trying these days to be that person of whom they can say the same, its not always that easy and i have a long way to go i suspect.

back to the story.

as mentioned my sister brought her fiancee along and it was up to the two of us to get the branches into the truck so that it could go to the dump. we ended up jumping up and down on piles of brush smashing as much as we could into the bed. it was very physical work.

earlier that day when they had arrived, A. (read: brother in law) showed off his new cell phone he had gotten, it was pretty slick, tons of apps, large vibrant display, overall a nice phone. it was some time later that he discovered that he had misplaced it.

we searched the house and yard to no avail, searched the cars as well, it was around then that the sinking feeling started, we came to the conclusion that it might have fallen out while we were jumping on the truck.

and that had been hours earlier.

it was now six and the dump had closed for the day. we tried calling but there was no answer, A. went online, did a gps search for his phone and discovered that it was in the same area as the dump.

the phone was rather expensive so he and i decided to drive up and hope to get a security guard to let us in to look for it. that idea fell flat when, after fifteen minutes of yelling at the gate, honking the horn to get someone's attention failed... miserably.

standing at the razor wire tipped gate we came to the conclusion that we were alone and out of luck.

it was so frustrating, we were fifty yard away from the phone but it might as well have been miles. finally we decided that if we wanted to get his phone back we had no other choice but to break in and hope that if we were caught a simple explanation would clear up everything. luckily the gate rested about ten inches above the ground and were both able to manage slipping under the gate. we found the green waste area quickly and used my sisters cell to call his in hope that we would hear the ring tone.

again, no luck.

we began digging through the debris figuring that it was buried underneath the mulch that lined the walls. we used sticks to dig as we kept an eye out for security until it became clear that we werent getting anywhere. we decided to walk the perimeter and try calling again, so we walked around the pile of branches the size of a house listening for any sound that might clue us to its location looking for familiar looking brush along the way. at this point we were beginning to despair, neither of us were willing to leave but the task seemed impossible.

so i tried something that i havent done in a long time. part of my recovery includes me finding and building a relationship with a higher power of my own understanding, i have had problems with this, its difficult for me to reconcile the god i knew from my childhood and teens with whatever it is that i need to put my faith in now.

figuring i had nothing to lose by trying, i said a prayer. i didnt ask for myself, i asked for my brother in law, he was on call and needed his phone that night, potentially there could be lives in  the balance. so i stopped, said the serenity prayer and asked for help.

i opened my eyes and there, not three feet in front of me, sitting on a tiny bit of branches, was his phone. just sitting there at eye level , balanced precariously.

the problem i had then was my brain saying that it was there all along and it was just coincidence, then came the thoughts revolving around had i not stopped to pray would i have seen it... i figure that if it was coincidence then no harm done, if it was god, not being thankful would make me a dick.

so i swallowed my ego and said thank you.

divine miracle or not it was amazing. we shouted, laughed and marveled at our impossibly good fortune. then the thought occurred to us that we should probably get the hell out of dodge while the getting was good, in unison we both said: 'lets get the fuck out of here', and we ran like hell back to the gate and freedom.

now when i was younger i did pray, id ask for things for help in the past and received nothing, disillusioned i eventually lost faith. looking back i think i was testing the process, wanting proof.

this time i simply let go. its scary but i think i was given an answer. the big rub is that when things like this happen it makes it difficult to deny the existence of something higher going on, maybe something that isnt as apathetic as you thought.

like i said, this and several other things like it over the last five months have reall forced me to reevaulate my belief system, and i really am struggling to come to terms with this.
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