this was a half-finished illo I had started for explore, a prompt I guess I missed a few weeks back. its been roughly nine months if facing life without my old friend and things are getting pretty... real, I guess is as good as any term.
all those things that I have pushed aside, ignored or general never really dealt with are knocking on my door. making themselves known, ive been feeling like one of those movies where someone opens a closet door and is attacked by a landslide of junk.
and everybody laughs.
now I seem to feel everything so acutely, like how sharp and clear things are when youre wearing glasses. its all so much to feel, considering that I had been in charge of medicating myself against these thing to one degree or another back into my teens.
without the filters, the buffers, its all so raw, and at times painful in ways that I haven't had to really deal with in many, many years. its funny, when I go back and read the earlier posts I can see the trends and pain I was able to feel, but I was always kind of dancing around the real hurt, the actual dysfunction. I cant really complain, the choices I made, while not the best, probably saved my life until it almost killed me.
I can see that edge now and I get why some people opt out.
mostly though, mostly I just want my money back.