week 24: totem

there are songs that make my soul feel like it's breathing. these are the ones that hit you in the heart, that dull ache in your chest. those songs that make your skin tingle and your face flush red.

these are truths that transcend race, creed or color, these are experiences that everyone has shared in some way, these are love, loss, joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. music, like math and arguably is math for that matter, is a universal language.

in some ways i see the higher power that i have come to know, these last  few months as not only love but song.

these are the songs that wrap around you, breathe you in, that are almost tangible they are so... well i don't think that i really can accurately put it words. it is felt, experienced, not subject to the bounds of our crude language.

there are songs that i listen to when i want to forget, and there are those that will probably always take me back. these are the ones that will get triggered by a smell, or hearing will make me feel a summer breeze in the middle of winter. there are those songs that have become synonymous with emotions, women, and phases of my life.

i some ways i think i'm lucky in that my generation got bands like nirvana, u2, the cure, and others, and that i was not cursed with katy perry or that god awful blurred lines crap blaring over the radio during my senior year.

one of the things that i have talked about, consistently, here has been the past. specifically my past. how that the fear of an uncertain future has led me to be mired in the past, even as depressing or painful that past has been, and how i just haven't really figured out how to reconcile not regretting the past, and how to not be defined by the choices that i have made over the course of my adult years. i guess another way to say this would be that i never seemed to get the memo telling me that the party was over and i need to move on.

i know that this sound depressing but really it's not, this is me finally beginning to grow up, i think, i hope, and that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. i don't expect this to be easy, but i've gotten to the point where i'm sick of being a victim in my own life story, i am a product of my past, yes, but that doesn't mean that i have to let those decisions dictate the terms of my future.

it would be a little bit like getting lost, winding up in a dump or slum or wherever and deciding to give up looking for an exit and setting up shop, to just kinda settle.

for many years i have worn this necklace - it used to be everyday back in my late teens and early twenties. it started with an ankh. i would wear this around my neck, and as the years went by i added to this, rings given back to me, tabs from beers that i had drank at parties, laptop ram, keys, nuts (as in washer like) and bits and pieces of other things from my life that i never wanted to forget.

these reminders against my chest. this is the timeline of my life. these charms or totems, they are in some cases the receipts for those parts of me i have given and/or lost along the way.

somebody the other day was thinking they were being clever and pointed out that it was more an anchor than anything, i just smiled and replied that some anchors keep us centered. stable.

i saw his point, it has occurred to me a long time ago, and i was okay with that for a real long time. these days the weight doesn't seem to be dragging me down like it once did and that the sharp edges remind me of what has and hasn't worked for me in life and it in that respect it helps me to keep myself in context and not get sidetracked by thinking that i know better than everyone else how life works.

i'm not entirely sure that any of this makes sense but it is what has been going through my mind for the last few weeks.

goo goo dolls - name

And even though the moment passed me by 
I still can't turn away 
Cuz all the dreams you never thought you'd lose 
Got tossed along the way 
And letters that you never meant to send 
Got lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans 
And never knew their names 
We don't belong to no one 
That's a shame
But you could hide beside me 
Maybe for a while 
And I won't tell no one your name 
And I won't tell 'em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far 
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast 
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history 
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name 
And I won't tell 'em your name 
I won't tell em' your name 
Oooh, oooh, oooh
I won't tell em' your name

I think about you all the time 
But I don't need the same 
It's lonely where you are
Come back down 
And I won't tell 'em your name

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