week 32: pattern

"i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene."
disenchanted -my chemical romance 

i'm not entirely sure of what i was going to say. i've been thinking a lot lately and it occurred to me that i can't remember when it was that i started thinking so small. 

when i started to allow that fear of loss, rejection and other unpleasant outcomes keep me from even trying. see, it's one thing to have something fall apart because of an actual reason. it's another to have it happen because of, well, i don't know exactly. no reason at all?

i can look back at the painful experiences i've gone through and see my part in it. but when something doesn't happen, it's kinda like a sneeze that gets interrupted, or having someone stick a finger in your mouth when you yawn.  i don't think that i am really making any sense.

i just am really tire of feeling the way that i feel, especially the way that i've been feeling lately. 

i guess it's just that i feel the same way now as i did back when i was constantly bringing one thing after another down on my own head.

and i really think i ought to know better. 

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