7/10/14

week 46: fragile


for as long as i can remember i have lived in fear. i have reacted to every new crisis, challenge, or consequence, that has presented itself in my life. i know that i am not unique in this, but the point is that instead of assessing the situation, consider my options, and make an informed plan of action i have basically jumped from one frying pan into another, after another, and eventually into the fire, where, once there, proceeded in running around in circles spreading flames around as i panicked.

there have been many things that i have come to learn over the past few years - one being that there are things that i no longer have the luxury of indulging anymore.

the fragile balance between hope and despair, the urge to quit when things dont work out as i had expected. immersing myself in my depression, nurturing the ennui and dystopic world view i had come to expect every time i woke up or ran out of drink. heh, even that isn't entirely accurate either - those same attitudes were there in my dreams and in my cups.

i find myself fighting these old mindsets, mindsets that helped me cope with life, kept me alive - until eventually nearly killing me.

its like dragging a shadow, or carrying around a half shed skin, and the part underneath - me - is soft and  and hasn't been exposed to anyone like this in over twenty years.

so small steps.

the depression probably will never go away but i can try to work my through those times without wallowing in it, perseverance, in things (important things anyway) that are not always easy, and might take a lot of work to realize.

i can hold a hand and know that it's no longer the had a drowning man grips to in desperate fear for his life, but a hand of an equal - one that can be warm and loving and occasionally lends support to keep me steady, and to know that my hand is doing the same for her.

i no longer want to fix or save, but listen and assist as requested.

it's a lot of things really.

but i can't be fragile anymore, i cant fall apart anymore. i need to be that person i was meant to be. i have seen parts of him over the years and i know that those times where i felt any sort of pride in myself it was that "me" showing through.

That's What's Up - Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros
I'll be the church, you be the steeple.
You be the King, I'll be the people.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind.
While I was being such a wreck, I thought you'd treat me unkind.
But you helped me change my mind.
I'll be the sun, you be the shining.
You be the clock, I'll be the timing.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind.
While I was feeling so upset, I thought the sun never shine.
Then I found Forever
Hey! Hey! love!
We've been best friends forever darling.
That's' what's up!
Forever!
No matter what!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
That's what's up!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
No matter what!
You be the book, I'll be the binding.
You be the words, I'll be the rhyming.
While I was feeling such a wreck, I thought of losing my mind.
While I was feeling such a mess, I thought the sun never shine.
You be the bird, I'll be the feather.
We'll be the best of friends forever.
While I was feeling such a mess I thought you'd leave me behind.
When I was feeling such a wreck, I thought you'd treat me unkind.
Then I found
Forever! And Always!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days!
Forever!
Come with me!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
All the days
All of our days
Yeah...
Love is a shelter.
Love is a cause.
Love goes on forever.
Yeah, Love will leads us all.
Love! It is our honor.
Love! It is our all.
Love goes on forever.
Yeah, Love it is our home.
Oh yeah!
Yeah! That's what's up!
Oh yeah!
That's what's up!
Yeah That's what's up!


video here


video Lennon and Maisy cover here
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