week 2: chicken

i apologize that its been... a few weeks since i posted. ive been dealing with a lack of inspiration, holidays, family things and... well, ive been watching seasons of the television show, how i met your mother... its my new scrubs.

the concepts of both resolutions and deja vu also apply i guess, in that i didnt post despite my intention two years ago, almost to the day to continue this blog, and that once again i almost let it happen. again.

so chicken.

i think that if you really take the time to look at relationships, you can pin point a moment that was the turning point, where you knew it would not work out.

with k it was a snide remark at a borders where she said something about me never going to marry her, with j... well i wrote a story about that, h, it was while watching Dracula 2000 in a theatre and i looked at her face in profile and i thought, 'is this the face i want to look at for the rest of my life?'

there are more initials that i could cite, and i am more than sure that many, if not most of the women that i have been involved with have felt the same, or at least some sort of parity of what i am trying to express here.

you know though, i wish i knew, i wish i knew where it was or what it was that fell short in regards to whatever it is, was, that they wanted or needed.

all i ever wanted, honestly, was to be in a relationship, a stable, healthy relationship.

i used to believe in love in the way that you would see in movies, that there was someone that i was SO in love with that i would one day marry her.

and that i was in love with her, it was just the "her" that was the missing piece in the puzzle.

stupid, right?

anyway, i digress.

at what point do you admit to yourself that something isnt working?

at what point do you let go, or admit to yourself  that its going to end badly?

in the last one it was at a Target store, funnily enough the store that we had our first "date" in, as it were.

we were there to do some shopping, her weekly shopping, and i happened by the discount dvd rack where i saw gremlins, one of the few movies that i loved from my youth.
funny, i always felt bad for some reason about that one gremlin wearing the popcorn bucket as a hat dying, i still dont know why.

anyway, i said that i wanted to buy it.

and she asked why, as she owned the movie.

and...

and i let it drop, the only answer was "just in case"

and that would have been a bad answer at best.

so there i sat watching some movie i didnt want to watch wishing that i COULD watch gremlins the other night and this moment flashed through my brain meats and i realized that i had fucked up once again, heh.

i was so afraid of losing her i said nothing.

and i was so afraid of preparing for a life without her, a life alone, i said nothing.

either way, a chicken.