week 13: bottled

ive been thinking about this one quite a bit.

bottled.

as anyone who has spent more than a cursory glance at this blog would know, i have my share of demons, shadows, issues, problems, whatever.

my past is something that seems to be constantly snapping at my heels.


when i was in my childhood and later, in my teens i was subjected to therapy, therapists, and i guess like anything i had to do i saw it as a punishment, an onus, and i got really good at telling them what they wanted to hear so i wouldnt have to see them longer than was necessary, you know, clean bill of health and "on your way".
i may have done myself a disservice in retrospect.

when i was about seventeen i was seeing a therapist who i now know wanted to help me, and i, in my head-strong, idiot sort or way decided to waste his and, it would seem, my time as well.
id like to apologize for that now.

anyway.

anyway.

all of those things that i have bottled up for what, twelve, thirteen and more years seem to be weighing me down.
and now,

now ive stalled.

i dont know where to turn anymore.

every path and direction ive seen and/or chosen have ended up in a dead end.

so...

so i decided to go revisit the last therapist after many years.

two good sessions so far, and i havent cried or had any major breakthroughs or anything and i wish i could say i feel better about my life and situation, but there you are, i guess.
at least this time its something i decided on doing instead of being forced into.

i guess.

there was more that i wanted to say here but as is mostly always the case, i forgot.

at any rate here is something i heard on a low budget zombie flick

flip grater - be all and end all

What’s that you said
Something bout death
Something like we’re all going to hell
And what’s that I said
Bout cause and effect
You may find you’re already there
Be all and end all
You can’t find your way home
And no one around you has got nothing to say
I will take you away from it all
You’ve had all you’ve asked for
Now it’s time to go home

to hear:
http://www.thesixtyone.com/s/mXU4OJ1j386/

read onto it what you want...

mostly i miss being held, i miss home, and home was never where i grew up.




i really miss being held.