week 14: journey

better late than never, right?

i had trouble building up the effort to post this week, im not sure why, i know that in the past there have been times when ive missed my self-imposed deadlines, but those were generally because i was too busy to get around to it.

not that those distractions were really all that legitimate or healthy, but now its more of a struggle to find inspiration or find that passion that i used to have for creating...

i suppose that im just depressed or something, and while that used to seem to help my creative process, it doesnt seem to be doing as good a job these days.

one of the several reasons i decided to start fifty-two fridays was that i felt at the time that i wasnt able to stick to a project long enough to finish it, another was to see for myself a documented timeline of progress (or lack therof) in my life.

so the other night i decided to sit down and go, from the begining, all the way through from post one.

and aside from glaring typos, what hurt the most to see was that the last few years have been, cycles.

clearly im not doing something right... right?

anyway.

the other thing that i noticed was that how the art style developed over the years.

i know that most skills (if not all) improve with practice, but i had been in art school/classes since jr. high.
and when i decided to start 52F i made a choice to approach the art in a vague and general sort of way, rough, using as few lines as i could to express what i was trying to say in regards to the prompt.

before that i drew in a different sort of way, or a few different sorts of ways depending on what i was doing, and who/why i was doing it for.

the image above was done in june, 2003, and probably marks a transition between the more detailed style that had been the norm, and what would eventually become what ive beeen doing over the last few years.

so in honor of the why that brought about the change initially i want to dedicate this one to jen, and that last weekend.

nin - something i can never have

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep
Anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And i'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the colour if I had a heart
Come on, tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And i'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

and one of mine - dead girl

so

betrayed

by the way

your dress can make you seem

so insecure to all

you never felt a thing

so beautiful

and in my eyes

theres no one else

so far away

i feel you

still

so stand up straight

stand up tall

your shoulders back

your chin held proud

dont let them see you cry

youd rather die

so run away from me

from them

from the clouds

and maybe some day you might feel something

dead girl you were the one

im sure of that

as much as ive become

dead like you

with no one like you in my life these days

and when wed talk id cry

at  the fact

you hated no one but yourself.