week 44: ocean

this has always been an place of uncomfortable truths.
there have been a great many changes in my like the last year or so.
nine months.
nine months since it became unarguably clear that the old ways were no longer working.
nine months since I was forced to accept that avoidance, procrastination and denial are not viable long term solutions, that they were stop-gap measures at best.
nine months since my closest friend nearly killed me.
ive tried explaining this to people, but I usually get blank stares until I finally give in and shut up.
im pretty sure that I don't want this anymore, ive lived with it longer than any woman. it was very nearly always there, it celebrated and grieved, brought out the best and worse in me.
its absence is felt and serves as a reminder that the choices I made worked fairly well until it suddenly didn't. that my choices, my actions carried consequences.
that when I go back and look at the last several years of my life it comes a little surprise that I now am where I am.
I feel lost, adrift, stuck somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow.
I now know what doesn't work but that in itself isn't any guarantee that I have figured out what does.
I have written ten pages to try and figure out the best way to explain this and I still at a loss.
one of the things that ive had to come to terms with is that there are something that I cannot fix, no matter how badly I might want to. that the fact is that I still hate myself but can no longer hide that fact behind alcohol.
and that it is so very easy to smile during the summer.
true to form, my tendencies of operating in extremes, with no sense of middle ground or moderation, have left me here at a loss for the moment.
god I hope its just for the moment.
ive been thinking about change. whether you decide to change or not is still a choice. but things around you will move on regardless, and you will have to face those consequences.
I once wrote that the world has turned its back and left me here.
I was one step away form a complete thought back then.
mostly ive been getting in my own way, fighting myself, and that really should come as no real surprise when view in the context of my own personal history, in that if there is a way that I can make something more difficult for myself I generally do.
it seems like suddenly somehow something changed. it shifted and settled and is not lining up. it feels at times like I am unraveling, spinning, drowning.
its all different, like its seen out of context,  desaturated or like catching a shadow out of the corner of my eye.
mostly it feels like im running out of time.
its all off by millimeters, but it may as well be oceans.
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