week 7: tribute

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i am not entirely sure why this kept coming to mind this week. i sketched out several different concepts, but this one kept coming up, again and again.

i know that historically i haven''t been known to make great life decisions, that i tend to react rather than think and i know that this has caused me most of the difficulties if faces as an "adult". there are far too many for me to really even begin to list, if you're curious i suggest that you go back to the beginning of this blog and start from there. i'm sure that if you read in between the lines there are plenty of examples of what i'm talking about.

one of the things ive been taught over the last year is how to think, clearly, about things, ignore that urge that has been so ingrained in me somehow,  to basically fuck up my life every time i manage to scrape together some semblance of progress. i dont know why i self-sabotage things the way i do, it could be low self- esteem, fear, hell, its not really all that easy to settle on one thing. for whatever reason, i've learned over the years to make things a difficult for myself as i possibly can, and to be honest i'm really tired of fighting everything, every step of the way.

i look at friends and wonder how it was that they figured out how to function in the world, like did i miss some class? was i sick that day? no, but really. im not so naieve to think that everyone else has life figured out but it does seem that there are people who seem to have an easier time of it.

im ready to stop struggling.

to set aside the fear of failure, of the future, the past. it is so very difficult, all that pain, depression, those memories, if nothing else they are so familiar.

i find myself smiling more often these days, still mostly im smiling with tears in my eyes and im not entirely sure that we have a word for it, the closest i can think of is bittersweet or irony or something, im sure the germans have some multi-syllabic overly hyphenated term for it.

i guess when it is all said in done i dont feel like "asking for my money" back anymore, i've avoided life for too long, nearly fifteen years of numbing myself as best i could and even then i was still a emotional fucking mess.