id like to begin by saying that this weeks post was nowhere near anything resembling easy. i have put a lot of thought and consideration on not only the art, but what i am writing as well. this whole writing thing seemed a lot easier when i was drunk, hopefully there will be less typos but im not holding my breath.
i would like to thank Penelope Dullaghan for illustration friday, without the weekly prompts i probably would have given up on this thing years ago.
the topic, farewell got me thinking about two things, the first was couches, the second was coffee. i know that might sound random, but these two things seem to be reoccurring themes in my life, in particular, when ive experienced loss.
my first cup of coffee, full real cup, was on a november night when i was fourteen. we had gotten the news that my father had committed suicide. the house was full of people coming and going, the pot was brewed and dishes of food, casseroles and pasta, stuff like that were slowly trickling in. i remember feeling numb, i didnt know how to process the whole situation, i had hated that man for so long and suddenly he was just... gone. at some point, it was getting late, people began clearing out and i was standing alone in the kitchen, im not entirely sure why, but i poured myself a cup of the cooling coffee and forced it down, sip after sip. it might have been some attempt of feeling grown-up, having some semblance of control over events. i remember thinking that i wasnt a kid any more. i dont think i played with any of my toys anymore after that.
couches too have been places or pain, you would think that given the amount of personal tragedy ive experienced on them id have learned to avoid the damned things. one of the worst break ups in my life happened on the very same couch we had... well sat on the night before. it was a surreal moment when i thought about how things can change so completely in less than twenty-four hours.
there is that moment, i think, in every break up conversation ive had where you want to say something so badly, but dont, like you have that moment of insight, the path the course of your life will take if you only had the courage to just fucking say it.
it could also be please stay, or i love you.
im not sure how many relationships ive had where i let things go, without a whimper. i know when it was that i decided that drinking was more important than a relationship with another human being and that those relationships didnt necessarily have to be romantic.
again for whatever reason, many of those breakups happen in coffee shops, the day this one happened i walked outsid, dumped the untouched coffee in the trash and walked down the block to the joxters and i dont really remember too much after that.
there are two women that i have had in my life that whose loss still hurts so very very badly to this day. i still dream about them, nightmares mostly, my subconscious is many things but subtle is not one of them. one of the two was the daughter of a woman i dated in college. its a long and kinda sorta boring story so i wont get into that but i had no idea how much i would miss her even after all these years. i didnt have to step out of her life but after a lot of discussion with her grandmother i decided to remove myself as the situation was kinda confusing and complicated. and what ever else about the woman i had been dating i will say that she was/is a wonderful mother.
the other one is someone i...
someone i don't really feel like discussing at the moment. im sure if you've read any of this blog over the years you will have some idea anyway and i font think anything id have to say about here would be new.
so, id like to say one last thank you to Penelope Dullaghan for the wonderful gift that has touched so many peoples lives and to wish her luck in all her future endeavors. that said: