week 19: hybrid

the me that is and the me that was, reconciling these two. having to be instead of been and waiting for will. these things, so subtle, and so very important.

i could argue that the thing that i was best at was being in my twenties, maybe. those years, the loves and loss, the dark specter of depression and anxiety over this vague notion that the future wasn't simply tomorrow, or another bottle. i drank, a lot. and i have the scars and callouses to prove all of those things that i managed to survive despite all the effort i put into the contrary. i never really had any plans for thirty, i simply couldn't imagine that i would live that long. i know that is a poor reason for not working towards a future but i was sick. soul sick and weary. i couldn't end it with a grunt but the shots i poured down my throat were far worse than any bullet.

it became the most drawn out and painful form of attempted suicide that i could have picked.

the joke is that i am a self-made man... we all are in the sense that we are products of our choices in life, and that responsibility is ours no matter what other people might have done.

so here i am, ten years older than i feel, and having to face some very uncomfortable things that i have been avoiding, in some cases for thirty years and make no mistake, time doesn't make dealing with these things any easier, if anything, they have grown over time to things so large that it seems impossible to face.

so now i have to learn to be an adult, a functional healthy, whole adult and that scares the hell out of me most of the time, but then again i have spent my life so far either reacting without much forethought or simply opting for the easier path and i've come to accept that those are not viable or sustainable ways to live.

and, well, it is a little funny that after so many years of wishing i were dead, after what i've been through the last year and a half i find that i'm willing to give living a try