the other night i had come to a point where i felt used up. i was worn and pulled and twisted and i found myself falling into the old ways of thinking that wasn't all that conducive to living a life that is sustainable. it is so easy, seductive, to go back to being that way and that scares me. anyway, i was done, i didn't want to drink really, but i was so fucking empty and hurting that the thought did cross my mind. the previously stated issues were pressing down on me and the medications that have been prescribed aren't really making any difference so i found myself in the back yard with a cigarette feeling numb and sick, that and all that i could think of was that it has been a good amount of time that i have been trying to follow a better way of living and not feeling like i've made any real progress.
so i closed my eyes and prayed.
as i was sitting there i felt pressure on my left shoulder and a hum in my ear. it was my cat, clunk.
my sister rescued him and his brother about the same time that i quit drinking and left them at my mom's house where i'm staying. his brother was a pain in the ass, but clunk gradually warmed up to me and now waits for me in the driveway to get home, chills with me when i go out to smoke, follows me to the mail box, and if i don't go outside right away when i get home "talks" at me through the screen door. i say "talks" because, i swear to god, it sounds like he is saying "hello" (i've been trying to get it on video but so far he won't do it on camera.)
so there i was, sitting in the dark crying and smoking and praying and clunk came over and licked my ear... and then my hair... which was gross but whatever.
i just really needed help and i guess he was returning the favor.