weeks 18, 19 and 20: swept, launch, and mid-summer night

so yeah.

im a slacker, ive dropped the ball for nearly a month with no posts, my bad.

however, since im such an awesome guy i buckled under, left my cave, braved the warm summer nights and went out into the world to revisit the old patio at the bar i used to go to, back when i was more a part of the world.

some of these are better than other, some might be a bit of a streach, but then, considering that the last few weeks ive spent many hours holding a pencil staring a a blank sketchbook, well at least its lines on paper (or in form monitor.

so here it is, the last three weeks, with exerpts from another journal i sometimes use.

week 20: mid-summer night

ok, let me start this by saying that yes, i do know that the moon isnt this big, if it were it would tear the earth and itself apart and the size of it is totally unrealistic, i agree, but sometime it feels like it is.

the thing about where i currently live is that summer nights are, the most part, perfect. you could go outside at four in the morning and the air feels like bathwater, and the skies are filled with stars that you can see because of the semi rural area, and you can only barely hear the cars from the freeway.

its a very peaceful time to be awake and think about things.

i was sitting on my lawn last night looking up the moon and was thinking that that moment was almost perfect, if i didnt think about the next day or month or year, and that it was missing just one thing and that was someone to share it with.

week 19: launch

i wish i had a better way of explaining this one, its how i used to handle things, at least how i handled things more often, in college, when i was within crawling distance from a neighborhood bar.

by moving back home it made me change the way i did things, launched new habits and behaviors, not all of them good but some not so bad.

one of the drawbacks is that being here has caused me to become far less social, and slowly as one job dried up after another (cutbacks and going out business due to the economy) my life has become smaller and smaller.

i went out for a minute the other night, bought a beer and a newspaper (for the crossword) and sat alone on the patio about as far as i could from everyone else outside.

it didnt save me from the karoke blaring from the external speakers, however, something that hasnt happened in a long time well... did.

i know its poor form to complain that i look younger than i am, i get carded at 32 for buying 7up, in that i dont really care, i have an id, what i am (poorly) trying to get to is that im often mistaken for a younger version of me (unless you saw a picture of younger me and then you wouldnt) i guess ive worn well.

anyway, there i was, trying to figure out 43 across and passively listening to bad singing and random conversations, when i get a tap on my shoulder.

and a sweet voice saying "cheers!"

she wasnt drunk, stumbling, or all that impared, at least as far as i could see.

she was a 5'4," 130lb, bottle blonde and rather cute.

so we clinked glasses and she invited me to come over to her table with her friend and another guy.

but she was also probably young 21, 22, around there or so, so i said thanks but im finishing this (beer) and taking off.

had this happened five years ago i most likely be in her bed right now.

this isnt bragging or regret.

i just realized that i cant remember the last time that i was actually touched by another person, in any way, shape or from.


week 18: swept

this one is about talking to god, and letting pointless habits be swept away.

maybe a bit of cleaning of the soul, of clearing my head, or coming to terms with things and the way they are and accepting that i dont have as much control over my life as i thought did.

coming to terms with all of that, and that if he exists, well... he has a lot of shit that hes going to have to answer for.

i have made many promises over the last few years

one was no more late night chats with "god" and later with my departed grandparents, which has led me to sitting outside in the rain not talking to people who are dead or nothing more than my shadow, save that unlike god, i know my shadow exists. i can yell at it, scream at it, hell... i can piss on my shadow and i know that i have had more of an e(and yes)affect than any attempt of doing any of those things at to or twards god.

to be honest at this point i lost my train of thought, i did have something that i wanted to say, i guess i was de-railed... yeah a bad pun, intended.




and this IS important.

i promise that i will tell only one more person that i love them

and i dont know who, or when, or how.

but once more and that is it.


and for your musical pleasure i submit:

the xx: shelter

I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
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